“The Types of Friends You Need to Ditch Now!”

Many of us have experienced make-overs, be it our hair, clothing, make-up, etc…but how many of us have given any thought to making over our social circle? While research shows that our friendships are super important for our health and well-being, not all relationships are created equal. “Negative friendships can cause stress, frustration, and even put you in harm’s way if their behavior puts you in situations that could jeopardize you and your loved ones,” says sociologist and friendship coach Jan Yager, PhD, author of When Friendship Hurts ($13, amazon.com).

Investing time and energy into people who don’t pay it back—or who only have toxic contributions to offer—can have a negative effect on both your physical and mental health. In fact, a recent University of College London Study found that close relationships that cause stress or worrying may even contribute to faster cognitive decline as you age! 

On that note, here are five types of friends you may want to sweep out of your life as you clean up your social and inner circle.

THE NEGATIVE NANCY:

Moods—both good and bad ones—are contagious: Research has shown this to be true in both real life and online social networks. And while there’s nothing wrong with venting to coworkers or crying to your BFF when you’re feeling low, it’s still important to balance those lows by sharing happy experiences, too. “When you talk on the phone with your friend, exchange e-mails or text messages, or get together in person, do you feel positive and optimistic—or does a particular friend make you feel bad about yourself, agitated, or even physically ill?” asks Yager. If that friend is going through an especially trying time, it’s normal to feel pulled into the drama. But ask yourself, she says: “Is this an occasional thing, or a chronic pattern that’s making it too difficult for you to handle your emotions or your own life?” If the latter’s the case, it’s time to seriously consider phasing them out.

Its’ one thing to have a friend have a bad day, but having the same friend have a consistent bad day, week, month and year, repetitively is neither good for them or you. In everything we do, no matter what it is, there ought to be balance. You should never maintain a friendship where every time you look at your phone and see their name, you cringe! Wondering every time, “what is it this time? Who said what this time? What does she have to complain about this time? Who is she calling to talk bad about this time?” When a person brings overwhelming negativity to your life, it’s time to ditch them! Sooner or later, their negative, pessimistic attitude and approach to life will contagiously catch a hold of you! One of the definitions of “contagious” is “likely to spread to and affect others.” And that is exactly what a negative person does, they share and spread their negativity. Think about it, during the winter season, we go to greater lengths than in any other season to avoid people with a cold because we don’t want to catch what they’ve got! If someone has “pink eye”, you steer clear, not even wanting to make eye contact from a distance. If someone has a rash, you don’t want them to touch you in anyway. And God help us if someone has chickenpox, surely we avoid them at all costs! Well, you need to start treating “Negative Nancy” like she has the flu, with pink eye, a rash and the chickenpox, all at the same time! You don’t want to catch what she has! So, like it or not, you’ve got to Nix Negative Nancy!

“A negative thinker sees a difficulty in every opportunity. A positive thinker sees an opportunity in every difficulty.” (Author Unknown);

“You can’t live a positive life with a negative mind.” (Author Unknown);

“Negative people need drama like oxygen. Stay positive, it will take their breath away.” (Author Unknown);

“An entire body of water of the sea can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.” (Author Unknown);

“If you cannot be positive, at least be quiet.” (Joel Osteen);

“Don’t let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and kick them out.” (Robert Tew);

“Don’t bring negative to my door.” (Dr. Maya Angelou)

THE NIT-PICKY NEIGHBOR:

You live next door to her so you’ve tried, on many occasions, to be nice: You’ve had her over for dinner, carpooled, and encouraged your kids to play together. But if your friendly gestures are mostly returned with complaints about noise or the look of your lawn, her constant demands could be harming your health. A 2014 Danish study found that frequent arguments and conflicts within a person’s social circle, including neighbors, were associated with an increased risk of death in middle age. Conflict management may help reduce these dangers, the study authors say—so the next time she picks a fight, try sitting down and hashing out your differences (or at least agreeing to ignore each other) once and for all.

However, this can extend beyond just the neighbor you live next to. This can also point to the neighbor (friend/associates) you sit next to at work and at church. You need to rid yourself of those who nit-pick at any and everything! And Since You’re Not Glued to the Chair, Move Your Seat! The term “nit-picking” is defined as “informal fussing or pedantic fault-finding.”  That word “pedantic” is defined as “a person excessively concerned with minor details.” Kick those people out of your social and inner circle that constantly complain about anything, everything and nothing, all at the same time! Every minor detail (that holds absolutely no weight of importance) they harp on that does nothing more than waste time, energy and attention, need to be avoided! And you know how to spot them too, they often make comments like: “why is she doing that? Why is he sitting there? Why is she wearing that? Who told him he could do that? Why is she picking up that piece of paper and moving it from the floor to the garbage? Why is he touching that?” Mind you, none of these things has anything to do with them, none of them hold any importance or relevance, they are just plain nit-picking-nosy! Get rid of these people from your life before you find yourself fuming mad over a piece of lent on someone else’s shirt!

“Beware, the person who’s always discussing the flaws of others and nitpicking. Avoid him as he can lead you down the path of self-destruction.” (Pinterest);

“Nitpicking can be simply defined as giving far too much major attention to unimportant minor details.” (Pinterest);

“There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting isn’t with you, it is with themselves.” (Positive Outlook);

“Sometimes, you have to get to a point of total frustration before you’ll be ready to make a big change. Don’t wait for what anyone else should do but hasn’t yet and likely won’t. Instead, look for what is up to you and what you can do to change the situation for the better…even if it means walking away entirely.” (Doe Zantamata)

THE BACKSTABBER:

So a friend let you down in some way, but she’s promised to make it up to you. Everyone deserves a second chance, but maybe this isn’t the first time you’ve felt betrayed by her. Where do you draw the line? Personal relationships are complex, so there isn’t a clear-cut way to decide. Yager says that in her research she’s found that what’s considered a “deal breaker” is different for everyone. “One person said that for her, it was when her former friend was not there for her when her mother died. Another woman didn’t see it as a deal breaker when she walked in on her roommate and found her kissing her boyfriend…but she ended that same friendship years later, over a work-related betrayal.” Before deciding to immediately cut out a friend who’s done you wrong—or to immediately take them back—sit down and consider all aspects of this breach of trust, including how bad it made you feel, Yager suggests. “Can you [honestly] forgive them? Do they even ask for forgiveness or apologize? Is this a one-time thing or a pattern? And what does your gut tell you about this friend, and about the future of your friendship?” These questions can help you decide whether mending the relationship is possible or if it’s time to let the friendship fade out.

You are not obligated to restore ALL things! You are NOT Jesus! At some point you have to evaluate a friendship for what it really is, not what’s in your head. You can’t keep pulling the same person back into your embrace, when experience has revealed, multiple times, that they still have knives in their hands every single time. They’re just waiting for you to embrace them once again. It’s okay to forgive, and let go, literally! The term “backstabbing” is defined as “the action or practice of criticizing someone in a treacherous manner while feigning friendship.” This is the person who only asks “how are you?” so you can share your pain, and then they can wipe your tears, and simultaneously share your pain with others. Not everyone inquiring if you’re well, really cares if you’re well! Be upfront with backstabbers, forgive (for your own sake and peace), and then if need be, to spare your own life, rid yourself of backstabbers!

“Here’s your knife back, I finally got it out of my back. I’m sure you’ll be needing it again soon.” (Author Unknown);

“People will stab you in the back and then ask why you’re bleeding” (Pinterest);

“The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.” (Pinterest);

“Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They’re only powerful when your back is turned.” (Eminem);

“Everybody isn’t your friend. Just because they hang around you and laugh with you doesn’t mean they are your friend. People pretend well. At the end of the day, real situations expose fake people, so pay attention.” (Trent Shelton);

“Be careful who you share your weaknesses with. Some people can’t wait for the opportunity to use them against you.” (Pinterest)

THE CHRONIC CANCELER:

If you spend more time waiting around for this person to show up—or trying to schedule and reschedule plans—than actually hanging out together, you may want to let this friendship run its course. First, take a careful look at why your friend has such trouble keeping plans; if it’s truly a good reason, like a new baby or an ongoing health issue, ask if there’s anything you can do to make staying in touch easier. Yager also recommends weighing what you get out of the friendship against what it’s costing you. “If the cost is minimal in terms of occasional aggravation, but the benefits are huge—like the laughs you still share on the phone and the fun nights out at the movies you still have—don’t be so quick to end it.” On the other hand, if you’ve done all you can and you’re not getting much in return, it’s time to stop wasting your energy. We’re all busy. Constantly being put last by a “friend” can only lead to negative feelings that you don’t need.

Let’s be honest, we all have long agendas and to-do-lists, but there is time for what you value and treasure. No one on earth is that busy! Think about it: Even Jesus ate, slept, spent time with friends and family (and even enemies), He even wept. And clearly there is no one as busy as Jesus! Yet, He had balance to His life. And if He can, so can they. Don’t continue to be frustrated by someone who never has time for you. There’s a huge difference between someone who talks to you in their free time, and the person who frees their time just to talk to you. You should never be in a friendship/relationship where you feel you are always begging and pleading for someone’s time and attention. If they are not giving you their best, maybe they simply are not the best for you. Make sure you’re investing in friendships/relationships that are equally investing in you. If they can’t schedule you in, take them out of your schedule. 

“People make time for who they want to make time for. People text, call and reply to people they want to talk to. Never believe anyone who always says they’re too busy. If they wanted to be around you, they would.” (Simple Reminders);

“When you actually matter to a person, they’ll make time for you. No lies, no excuses.” (Pinterest);

“We all make time for what we feel is important in our lives.” (Pinterest);

“No one is always busy. It just depends on what number you are on their priority list.” (Pinterest);

“If a person wants to be a part of your life, they will make an obvious effort to do so. Think twice before reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay.” (Pinterest);

“Don’t give Part-Time people a Full-Time position in your life.” (LiveLifeHappy);

“Priorities: When someone tells you they are too ‘busy’…it’s not a reflection on their schedule; it’s a reflection of YOUR spot on their schedule.” (Dr. Steve Maraboli);

“We make time for what we love. Pay attention. People will show you…your worth to them.” (Joshua Ryan Stewart)

THE BAD EXAMPLE:

She drags you along on her smoking and heavy-drinking nights out. She scoffs at your new healthy eating and exercise plan and shoves the Cheetos in your direction. Whatever this friend’s fault, if you feel yourself getting sucked into bad behavior whenever you spend time together, it’s time to back off. Research shows that, in addition to bad moods, plenty of other qualities can spread among friends—including loneliness, obesity, and even divorce. Even your dietary choices can be affected by your companions: In one University of Illinois study, people were more likely to order the same foods at a restaurant as their lunch partners. You may not need to ditch these friends entirely—especially if they also have good qualities you value, or if you know they have the potential to change. But be aware of how their unhealthy habits are rubbing off on you, says Yager. Try talking to these friends about why you can’t be around them when they act a certain way, or avoid situations that enable that side of them.

If you’re more likely to behave unseemingly for your character, because you’re around a certain individual, than it’s time you come from around that individual. You want to be in an inner circle that promotes positivity, and for sure healthiness (body, soul and spirit). You don’t need someone telling you fried food is good all the time, or we can skip prayer night, or you can spend time with the kids another night, or I wouldn’t take that if he was my husband. You need people in your friendship/social circle / inner circle that compel you to do and be better. People who challenge you to be a better version of you. People whose speech is healthy, habits are healthy, lifestyle is healthy, outlook is healthy. You need people in your life who believe in Jesus, who go to church, who study and heed His word, who pray, praise and worship. But you also need people in your life that exercise, eat right, support their friends, encourage their family and are engaged in the good in life. A bad seed, can’t produce good fruit! If you want to reap good in your life, kick out the bad example!

“It is better to be alone than in bad company.” (George Washington);

“As the saying goes that a man is known by the company he keeps. Good company can make a man whereas bad company can ruin him.” (Sam Veda);

“As much as people refuse to believe it, the company you keep does have an impact and influence on your choices.” (Pinterest);

“You cannot hang out with negative people and expect to live a positive life.” (Joel Osteen);

“When you have to start compromising yourself or your morals for the people around you, it’s probably time to change the people around you.” (Pinterest);

“Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.” (Will Smith);

“You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is That Okay?” (Jim Rohn);

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Choose wisely.” (Jim Rohn)

By: Amanda MacMillan, Health Magazine / Dr. Shermaine Y. Sanders, Self-Care with Dr. Shermaine 

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit

"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)

"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)