“8 Ways to Be a Better Spouse”

 

Raising kids and keeping your relationship strong doesn't come with an instruction booklet. But these tips from clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., on how to be a better wife or husband come pretty close.  "The car in front of you paid your toll." At first, I felt confused when the toll collector made that statement. Then I realized he meant that my boyfriend (at the time) paid it for me. It was at this moment that I thought to myself, "this guy's a keeper." And I did, in fact, end up marrying him. The toll was only $1, so that wasn't why I was impressed. His gesture made me feel that he cared about me and that he was thinking of me. It reminded me of something you see in a rom-com movie. So, I try to reciprocate that kind of gesture as often as possible. Next year we will celebrate our 20-year wedding anniversary. But even sometimes I wonder: how do couples get so far? To learn more about what makes a healthy marriage, I spoke to relationship expert Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of Loving Bravely. During her work with couples, she found that the most important aspect of being in a healthy relationship starts with yourself and your willingness to view marriage as a classroom. "We must accept that change is inevitable, and the best we can do is meet the changes with curiosity instead of resistance," says Dr. Solomon. "Part of viewing marriage as a classroom is knowing that we bring our past with us. It's important to be willing to look at how our old wounds, patterns, and triggers get activated with our partners." Dr. Solomon offered the following tips to help foster a healthy relationship with your partner.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: Being a great spouse is based on making sure your basic needs—such as eating healthy food, exercising, and getting good sleep—are being met. “I know that I am a better wife when I take care of myself. When I am not getting enough sleep, exercise, and laughter, I feel bitter and irritable," says Dr. Solomon. "The more stressed out I am, the more I see my responsibilities to provide care to my husband and teens as a burden rather than a blessing. When I am burned out, I start to feel like a victim and that makes me less able to ask for what I need—help, praise, a break." Another aspect of self-care is to do things that make you happy such as going out to lunch with your friends or reading a book. "We cannot pour from an empty cup, so we need to make sure we are engaged in activities that provide meaning, connection, and joy. It is demanding to provide care for others and doing things that feel restorative and that inspired passion prevents caregiver burnout," says Dr. Solomon. And if you are feeling overwhelmed it is important to take a time out instead of making a comment you may regret later.

CONNECT THROUGH TOUCH: Dr. Solomon explained that touching your spouse communicates, "We're on the same team." "Touch helps couples maintain connection and cushions the blow of the inevitable daily irritations of family life. It's important for couples to have all kinds of touch in their relationship, not just a sexual touch," says Dr. Solomon. In working with couples Dr. Solomon found that often, touch is an ask, "Do you want to make love?" which can feel like another demand on an already-overwhelmed partner. She recommends touching outside the bedroom which can reduce stress and help couples feel connected.

MAKE TIME FOR DATES: Dr. Solomon stresses the importance of spending time alone with your partner especially when you are a parent and/or you have demanding careers. "It's so important to remember that you are partners/lovers/friends and not just two people running the small business that is your household. If evenings are hard because of kids and jobs, then you could also meet up during the day," says Dr. Solomon.

CHECK-IN: It is important to check in with each other and to think about your partner throughout the day. Dr. Solomon recommends that you should be aware of what your husband or wife is nervous or excited about and then ask questions about those feelings. "Having windows into each other's world's builds connection," says Dr. Solomon.

GIVE THEM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT: Dr. Solomon suggests that if you feel upset about something your partner did, approach them in a descriptive rather than accusatory way. She recommends thinking about, "this is what happened, and this the story I'm telling myself about what happened." "Your efforts to separate the facts from your interpretation of the facts will go a long way toward getting you more of what you want and need—validation, recognition, accountability, empathy—and less of what you don't want—defensiveness, counter-complaint," she said. If you are the one that did something wrong then take responsibility for it and apologize.

YOUR PARTNER ISN’T YOU: When you feel upset about an issue Dr. Solomon recommends saying, "I'm feeling upset by this thing you did. Can you help me understand what's going on for you?" She says that by approaching the situation with curiosity instead of judgment means that you understand that your husband has a different way of perceiving the world. This will reduce conflicts and lead to a better relationship. "Happy couples accept that they are two different people and approach misunderstandings with curiosity rather than accusation," says Dr. Solomon.

DISAGREEMENT=OPPORTUNITY: In working with couples Dr. Solomon found that couples that have a healthy marriage view disagreement as an opportunity to understand their partner's internal world instead of a fight that needs to be "won."

ASK, DON’T ASSUME: If something is important, ask for it. Some of Dr. Solomon's clients will push back on this idea saying, "If I have to ask for it, it's meaningless." But she says that is a mistake since people aren't mind-readers. She further explains that when we don't ask for what we want, our need ends up coming out sideways, usually in the form of a complaint.

BY: Cheryl Maguire, Health Magazine, November 08, 2019

Cheryl Maguire holds a Master of Counseling Psychology degree. She is married and is the mother of twins and a daughter. Her writing has been published in The New York Times, Parents magazine, AARP, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Count Your Blessing and Your Teen Magazine. You can find her on Twitter @CherylMaguire05

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine, #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit #IWantYou2LiveWell #FeelFree2SignUpAndFollow

The Goal is to Always Make You Aware of What Concerns Your Body, Soul and Spirit, So You Can Have Open, Honest and Frequent Discussions With Your Physicians and Counselors. You Can’t Treat or Cure What You Don’t Know is Sick.
 
"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)

"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)

The contents of the Health Magazine and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites, such as text, graphics, images, and other material contained on the Health Magazine and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites ("Content") are for informational purposes only. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on the Health Magazine and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites!

If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately. Health Magazine and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on the Sites. Reliance on any information provided by Health Magazine, Health Magazine employees, others appearing on the Site at the invitation of Health Magazine, and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine or other visitors to the Sites is solely at your own risk. 

"I'm in the Process of Change!"

2 Corinthians 5:17, “So stop evaluating Christians by what the world thinks about them or by what they seem to be like on the OUTSIDE. Once I mistakenly thought of Christ that way, merely as a human being like myself. How differently I feel now! When someone becomes a Christian, he becomes a brand new person INSIDE. He is not the same anymore. A new life has begun!” (TLB)
As much as I love the animal kingdom, and as much as I’ve written about it, there is yet one little critter that makes my skin crawl every single time I see one. And which animal is that? Well, it’s the Caterpillar! Yuck! Now, maybe it’s just me, but I think they’re the most ugly little creatures ever! I hope none are listening. Honestly, I don't mean to be so critical, but let's face it; those hairy crawlers are not the beauty queens of the animal kingdom!  
But who could ever imagine that one of the ugliest critters around, could actually become one of the most beautiful animals in the world - a Butterfly!  
Think about it: You don't see many pictures of caterpillars on things, but you see pictures of butterflies everywhere! A critter covered with ugly black hair becomes a beautiful butterfly splashed with these amazing colors. An animal that lives off the leaves on the ground becomes the connoisseur of flower nectar. And a creature that once crawled everywhere, becomes one that can fly anywhere. Funny thing is, the caterpillar doesn’t need anyone to give it a makeover, it gives one to itself, in the Process of Change.
The Creator who so miraculously transforms caterpillars, does something far more amazing. He does it for people like you and me as well. He did it for Victor!
Victor is an intelligent, hilarious, kind, handsome, successful guy with a fatal flaw - Alcohol. He'd been hooked since he was 12 years old, and no one could get him unhooked...including himself. His addiction eventually cost him his job, his relationship with his family, even his freedom, landing him in prison for a while. He was, in essence, crawling through life on a caterpillar level because of something inside him he could not change. 
So, one night Victor decided to die. He was on his way to a secluded area in the park to end his life…when he saw a man throwing bread crumbs on the ground. It seemed odd to Victor that this late at night an elderly man would be in a secluded area in the park alone leaving bread crumbs on the ground for birds that were obviously tucked away in their nests fast asleep (exactly where this old dude should be, Victor thought). With his curiosity getting the best of him, he slowly approached the man and asked him if we was okay. The man responded that he was better than okay, he was doing absolutely wonderful (since his doctor gave him a clean bill of health just that morning). Yet, Victor’s curiosity refused to let him walk away. He asked the man why would an otherwise healthy, elderly man be in a secluded park at night by himself feeding birds that weren’t even there? The man’s response literally saved Victor’s life. He said he’s been coming to that same spot, every year, for the past 20 years to celebrate his anniversary. Victor immediately assumed the man meant that he was married and obviously now a widow, and this spot must have meant something special to his wife. But as most old people do, he immediately read Victor’s thoughts and responded: 
“20 years ago, this very day, I sat on this bench with a loaded gun in my hand ready to die. My marriage was falling apart, I couldn’t find a job, money had dried up, I was drunk so regularly that I didn’t know when it was day or night. I was deeply depressed, but figured if nothing else, my wife could get money from my life insurance policy. So, in essence, I’m helping her the best way I can, so she can take better care of our kids. And as absent as I’d become to my children’s lives and as much as me and wife were fighting, I didn’t think anyone would miss me anyway.” 
Victor was rendered speechless. The old man continued: 
“When I looked to the right of me, there was an open loaf of bread and just a few birds around me. I put the gun down and picked up the loaf of bread. I dropped little crumbs and the more I dropped the more birds came. Some were on the ground, some on the bench. But there was one that sat right next me and no matter how many times I moved it never startled him, he didn’t budge. Right in that moment I remembered a Scripture my mother would always quote when I was growing up. You see it was me and my 3 brothers and only my mother. My father left us many years ago. But every single time we would get to the point of just a penny and a pea (as mother would say it), she would always tell us, ‘don’t worry and don’t cry, if God can take care of birds, and we’re more important to Him than they are, He will take care of us. As long as you still see birds, God is still providing and protecting. Birds are a sign of God’s promise to always take care of His own.” 
The man then told Victor he finished feeding the birds and went home. Then he added: 
“In case you’re wondering, I got a job, restored my relationship with my children, rebuilt my marriage from the ground up, and my best days are still ahead of me. And so are yours. Now, I’m old and tired, and my wife will call the cops (again) if I don’t hurry back to bed. Here, why don’t you take the rest of these bread crumbs and finish feeding my friends while you think twice about what you were going to do when you came here.” 
Victor responded, feed what birds?…but as soon as the words were off his lips and he turned around, a whole host of feathery friends were waiting for him to stop holding up the dinner line! From that night on, Victor never touched a drop of alcohol again. The very night he was planning to die, God sent him a buddy, a bird and some bread crumbs (now that’ll preach…lol!) I’ll never forget the smile on his face in telling his story, and I think as he’s ministered all over the globe, he still tells his story today as though it happened just yesterday, and still he smiles as he tells it. 
I share Victor’s story because he was on a caterpillar’s level. He was on the ground, crawling through the filth, in danger of being stepped on at any moment, by any one. He was low, depressed, struggling, and at the point where he just wanted to throw in the towel and give up. He was battling something on the inside, that showed up on the outside. He was raised in church, knew God, knew His Word, sang on the choir, ushered, served food at the shelters, and still that did not allow him to be exempt from flesh and spirit battles from within. 

Victor reminds me a lot of the Apostle Paul: Romans 7:17-25, “But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.” (MSG)

That was Victor to the letter. Everything in him knew what to do, and even wanted to do it, but somehow, someway, his flesh kept winning the battle…until he stepped into the Process of Change.
Now, while your struggles with your own darkness may be different from Victor’s, the same kind of change can happen to you. It's described in 2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him by faith in Him as Savior], he is a new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings a new life]” (AMP)
Victor dedicates himself to telling as many people as possible about the life-changing miracle that only Jesus could accomplish. A spiritual transformation that has affected generations in his family, with his spouse, children, grandchildren, in-laws…and the list goes on. He transformed from that crawling caterpillar, but it didn’t happen overnight. Just as a caterpillar changes in stages, so did Victor, but he remained committed to the process of change. He believed wholeheartedly that he could be reborn and renewed, he believed that his old man had died, and there was now a brand new man standing before the world. Nothing from the past mattered, he didn’t hold it over his own head. He moved forward in his new transformation, staying focused on the book of Romans for months on end.
Romans 12:1-2, “Therefore I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies [dedicating all of yourselves, set apart] as a living sacrifice, holy and well-pleasing to God, which is your rational (logical, intelligent) act of worship. And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].” (AMP)
Now, that’s what you call Transformation! That's what Jesus does. He transforms you, renews you, changes you, and matures you. He did it for Victor, he did it for me (and still is), and He is still willing and able to do it for you! Listen, we all fight our own monsters inside us-the sinful, hurtful, even shameful urges, attitudes and actions that we've never been able to conquer. And even being religious or spiritual, even our best efforts at self-improvement have only turned out to be an unsuccessful makeover for a caterpillar.
See, Jesus died on the cross to pay for the sin that enslaves you, and now He offers to begin transforming you from the inside out if you'll invite Him to be your Savior. If you have never begun this life-changing relationship with Jesus Christ, today is the best day to start something new, so you can be transformed into someone new! And just in case you’re under the impression that you’re worse off than the rest of us, so it can’t be done for you, listen to this:
1 Corinthians 6:9-11, “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit or have any share in the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate [by perversion], nor those who participate in homosexuality,  nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers [whose words are used as weapons to abuse, insult, humiliate, intimidate, or slander], nor swindlers will inherit or have any share in the kingdom of God.  AND SUCH WERE SOME OF YOU [BEFORE YOU BELIEVED]. But you were washed [by the atoning sacrifice of Christ], you were sanctified [set apart for God, and made holy], you were justified [declared free of guilt] in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the [Holy] Spirit of our God [the source of the believer’s new life and changed behavior].” (AMP)
You see, none of us can point any sinless fingers at anyone’s sin, because we all have dirty hands! So, if you think you’re worse than the next person, I assure you, we’re all sitting on the same boat (just with different colored life jackets!) We all have a story about our creepy, crawling days and ways! None of us were born flapping our beautifully colored wings, and soaring high above it all! Nope! As much as I hate to admit it, we were all unattractive, creepy, crawling caterpillars! Which is why God’s transforming power of change is such a beautiful miracle! He didn’t kill us where He caught us; He didn’t leave us where He found us. No, He gave us the opportunity to change! And didn’t require that we do so overnight! Caterpillars change in time, and in stages, and so do we. 
We can reform ourselves, but only God can transform us. “Reform” is defined as “to make changes in something in order to improve; cause to abandon an immoral or criminal lifestyle; the improvement or amendment of what is wrong, corrupt, or unsatisfactory; to correct faults, problems.” Its’ Latin Origin “reformare” literally means “to form or shape again.” But “Transform” is defined as “to change something completely; to change in composition, structure and nature; to transfigure; convert; redefine; redesign; metamorphose.” And that word “Metamorphose” is defined as “to change in an important and obvious way into something that is very different; to undergo metamorphosis; to change into a different physical form especially by supernatural means”.
That’s the wonderful thing about our God, He shares partnership with us in our lives. We do our part and He does His. We can reform, but only He can transform!
Listen, truth is, no matter how beautiful or handsome we are, we all have some caterpillar ways about us. Today, God is giving all of us an opportunity to step into the process of change. Change in our behavior, habits, addictions, attitude, speech, thoughts, heart, actions, and the like. We’ve been crawling around in these dirty ways long enough. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for change. I’m ready to be and do better. I’m ready to get rid of the striped, spotted, puke green, black-haired caterpillar looks and ways! But know this, it takes time and stages to change. 
All butterflies have “complete metamorphosis.” To grow into an adult they go through 4 stages: Egg, Larva, Pupa, and Adult. Depending on the type of butterfly, the life cycle of a butterfly may take anywhere from one month to a whole year. In other words, you need to decide you’re ready to start your change today, and then commit to completing it, knowing that it will not be an overnight process. It takes time for the caterpillar, it took time for Victor and for myself, and it will take time for you. But it will be so worth it to earn those beautiful wings and soar!
Lastly, just as patient as you want others to be with you during your process, give to them what you would want to receive for yourself. Know that sometimes people you meet are in their caterpillar phase (they’re crawling, low, sometimes moody and depressed, they’re battling with addictions, heartbreak, mental, physical, emotional, financial, social and even spiritual struggles). Be patient! Be kind. Be understanding. Be supportive. Be there. 

And then you will also come into contact with those who are somewhere between the four stages of metamorphosis. Give them the same time and patience you desire for yourself. No one is beyond help, reach or the ability to change…not you…not them.
So today, start your process of change, knowing that as you change and save your life, you may also unknowingly change and save someone else’s life in the process! 

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” (Socrates)

“Knowing you can become someone you can be proud of…there is no greater motivation than that.” (Author Unknown)

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” (Dr. Maya Angelou)

“Change can be scary, but you know what’s scarier? Allowing fear to stop you from growing, evolving and progressing.” (Mandy Hale)

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.” (Author Unknown)

“Put blinders on to those things that conspire to hold you back, especially the ones in your own head.” (Meryl Streep)

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” (Rumi)

“Life will only change when you become more committed to your dreams than you are to your comfort zone.” (Billy Cox)

“Don’t fear change. You may lose something good, but you may also gain something great.” (Author Unknown)

“In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or step back into safety.” (Abraham Maslow)

“Embrace change. True success can be defined by your ability to adapt to changing circumstances.” (Connie Sky)

“ Small changes eventually add up to huge results.” (Author Unknown)

“Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” (Jim Rohn)

“Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up.” (Author Unknown)

“The 3 C’s of Life: Choices, Chances, Changes. You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.” (Author Unknown)

“The moment you accept responsibility for everything in your life is the moment you gain the power to change anything in your life.” (Hal Elrod)

“Change your thoughts and you can change your world.” (Norman Vincent Peale)

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” (President Barack Obama)

“We must always change, renew, and rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise, we harden.” (Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe)

“If you want to change, you have to be willing to be uncomfortable.” (Author Unknown)

“Change is inevitable, growth is optional.” (Author Unknown)

“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” (George Bernard Shaw)

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” (Dr. Steve Maraboli)

“Sometimes God will change your circle to change your life.” (Author Unknown)

“To fear change is to fear being challenged. To fear being challenged is to fear growth and new possibilities.” (Ty Howard)

“What if I told you that 10 years from now, your life would be exactly the same? I doubt you’d be happy. So, why are you so afraid of change?” (Karen Salmansohn)

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine, #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit #IWantYou2LiveWell #EnjoyTheRead #BeInspired #BeEncouraged #BeEmpowered #BeChallenged