“8 Ways to Be a Better Spouse”

 

Raising kids and keeping your relationship strong doesn't come with an instruction booklet. But these tips from clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., on how to be a better wife or husband come pretty close.  "The car in front of you paid your toll." At first, I felt confused when the toll collector made that statement. Then I realized he meant that my boyfriend (at the time) paid it for me. It was at this moment that I thought to myself, "this guy's a keeper." And I did, in fact, end up marrying him. The toll was only $1, so that wasn't why I was impressed. His gesture made me feel that he cared about me and that he was thinking of me. It reminded me of something you see in a rom-com movie. So, I try to reciprocate that kind of gesture as often as possible. Next year we will celebrate our 20-year wedding anniversary. But even sometimes I wonder: how do couples get so far? To learn more about what makes a healthy marriage, I spoke to relationship expert Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of Loving Bravely. During her work with couples, she found that the most important aspect of being in a healthy relationship starts with yourself and your willingness to view marriage as a classroom. "We must accept that change is inevitable, and the best we can do is meet the changes with curiosity instead of resistance," says Dr. Solomon. "Part of viewing marriage as a classroom is knowing that we bring our past with us. It's important to be willing to look at how our old wounds, patterns, and triggers get activated with our partners." Dr. Solomon offered the following tips to help foster a healthy relationship with your partner.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: Being a great spouse is based on making sure your basic needs—such as eating healthy food, exercising, and getting good sleep—are being met. “I know that I am a better wife when I take care of myself. When I am not getting enough sleep, exercise, and laughter, I feel bitter and irritable," says Dr. Solomon. "The more stressed out I am, the more I see my responsibilities to provide care to my husband and teens as a burden rather than a blessing. When I am burned out, I start to feel like a victim and that makes me less able to ask for what I need—help, praise, a break." Another aspect of self-care is to do things that make you happy such as going out to lunch with your friends or reading a book. "We cannot pour from an empty cup, so we need to make sure we are engaged in activities that provide meaning, connection, and joy. It is demanding to provide care for others and doing things that feel restorative and that inspired passion prevents caregiver burnout," says Dr. Solomon. And if you are feeling overwhelmed it is important to take a time out instead of making a comment you may regret later.

CONNECT THROUGH TOUCH: Dr. Solomon explained that touching your spouse communicates, "We're on the same team." "Touch helps couples maintain connection and cushions the blow of the inevitable daily irritations of family life. It's important for couples to have all kinds of touch in their relationship, not just a sexual touch," says Dr. Solomon. In working with couples Dr. Solomon found that often, touch is an ask, "Do you want to make love?" which can feel like another demand on an already-overwhelmed partner. She recommends touching outside the bedroom which can reduce stress and help couples feel connected.

MAKE TIME FOR DATES: Dr. Solomon stresses the importance of spending time alone with your partner especially when you are a parent and/or you have demanding careers. "It's so important to remember that you are partners/lovers/friends and not just two people running the small business that is your household. If evenings are hard because of kids and jobs, then you could also meet up during the day," says Dr. Solomon.

CHECK-IN: It is important to check in with each other and to think about your partner throughout the day. Dr. Solomon recommends that you should be aware of what your husband or wife is nervous or excited about and then ask questions about those feelings. "Having windows into each other's world's builds connection," says Dr. Solomon.

GIVE THEM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT: Dr. Solomon suggests that if you feel upset about something your partner did, approach them in a descriptive rather than accusatory way. She recommends thinking about, "this is what happened, and this the story I'm telling myself about what happened." "Your efforts to separate the facts from your interpretation of the facts will go a long way toward getting you more of what you want and need—validation, recognition, accountability, empathy—and less of what you don't want—defensiveness, counter-complaint," she said. If you are the one that did something wrong then take responsibility for it and apologize.

YOUR PARTNER ISN’T YOU: When you feel upset about an issue Dr. Solomon recommends saying, "I'm feeling upset by this thing you did. Can you help me understand what's going on for you?" She says that by approaching the situation with curiosity instead of judgment means that you understand that your husband has a different way of perceiving the world. This will reduce conflicts and lead to a better relationship. "Happy couples accept that they are two different people and approach misunderstandings with curiosity rather than accusation," says Dr. Solomon.

DISAGREEMENT=OPPORTUNITY: In working with couples Dr. Solomon found that couples that have a healthy marriage view disagreement as an opportunity to understand their partner's internal world instead of a fight that needs to be "won."

ASK, DON’T ASSUME: If something is important, ask for it. Some of Dr. Solomon's clients will push back on this idea saying, "If I have to ask for it, it's meaningless." But she says that is a mistake since people aren't mind-readers. She further explains that when we don't ask for what we want, our need ends up coming out sideways, usually in the form of a complaint.

BY: Cheryl Maguire, Health Magazine, November 08, 2019

Cheryl Maguire holds a Master of Counseling Psychology degree. She is married and is the mother of twins and a daughter. Her writing has been published in The New York Times, Parents magazine, AARP, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Count Your Blessing and Your Teen Magazine. You can find her on Twitter @CherylMaguire05

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine, #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit #IWantYou2LiveWell #FeelFree2SignUpAndFollow

The Goal is to Always Make You Aware of What Concerns Your Body, Soul and Spirit, So You Can Have Open, Honest and Frequent Discussions With Your Physicians and Counselors. You Can’t Treat or Cure What You Don’t Know is Sick.
 
"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)

"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)

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“Be Encouraged, You’re Growing!”

“So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord – who is the Spirit – makes us more and more like Him as we are changed into His glorious image” (2 Corinthians 3:18 NLT).
Are you striving to become more like Jesus, but some days it feels like 2 steps forward and 20 steps back? Don’t’ feel bad, growing up spiritually isn’t easy, that’s why Paul encourages us “…not to grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart” (Galatians 6:9 NKJV). Therefore, don’t be discouraged, there is a harvest and there will be reaping, however, there must first be Sowing and WAITING!
Think about it: You don’t notice yourself growing older PHYSICALLY until you look at an earlier photo, and then it hits you! You wonder “when did all of those changes take place? Where was I when it happened? And why didn't anybody warn me it was happening?” And it’s the same with SPIRITUAL growth; it’s hard to gauge how far you’ve come until you look back and see where you were BEFORE Jesus saved you and turned your life completely around!  
You look back and remember when you didn’t know a Scripture by heart, when you didn’t know what to say in prayer, when you thought you’d die of starvation from the first time you fasted, or when you use to skip over the names and places in the Old Testament because they were too hard to pronounce (ok…so some of us, no names mentioned, are still doing just a tad bit of skipping…lol) However, you can now at least quote Psalm 23; you can now pray longer than 60 seconds; you don’t faint at the thought of fasting, and you may at least sound out a word or two more from the Old Testament! I’m sure that made you smile, but seriously, you are growing and you are maturing! It simply takes time and truth is, you are further along today than you were yesterday; and certainly you are further now than you were when you first believed! So learn how to enjoy small, daily victories!
I remember counseling someone and getting the first text message from them. It simply read: “I’ve been smoking for 24 years, but I’ve stopped for 24 hours! I can’t promise what today will bring, so I’m going to celebrate now!” I can’t lie, it definitely made me laugh, but as Paul admonished us, “I rejoiced with them that do rejoice!”
In other words, you may not be where you want to be or should be, but you’re getting better day-by-day, so celebrate small victories, even if they come in 24 hour increments!
"Don't wait until you've reached your goal to be proud of yourself. Be Proud of every step you take toward reaching your goal."
 

"Be thankful for all of the small victories as you walk toward large milestones as it's not the end-game that matters most, but how you got where you are."
 

"Little victories lead to bigger victories that affect the battles that eventually win wars."
 

"Treat every small victory like you just won the super-bowl." (Lewis Howes)
 

"Victory is won not in miles, but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later, win a little more." (Louis L'amour)
 

"Small victories add up. The little wins we commit ourselves to day in and day out lead us to the successes we're striving for." (Kristin Koonce)
 

"Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate." (Meredith Grey)
 

"Daily wins lead to a lifetime of success." (Kristin Koonce)
 

"Success is a series of small wins."

I reiterate, you may not be where you want to be or should be, but you’re getting better day-by-day, so CELEBRATE SMALL VICTORIES, even if they come in 24 hour increments!

Our text says “…so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like Him” (MSG) Yes, we are gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful and becoming more like Him…HOWEVER, Growing Up Involves Growing Pains!
Here’s an example: One day a high-rise construction worker slipped and fell down from a scaffold 40 Floors up! As he plummeted past the 20th Floor a woman in an office shouted, “How’re you doing?” The man replied, “So Far, So Good!” Sounds a little comical, but truth is, he still faced the possibility of falling 20 more floors, however, where he was right then, the best he could say was, “So Far, So Good!” 
Likewise, you still have some more bumpy roads ahead of you. And certainly you will fall quite a few times, and quite a few floors, but where you are right now, remind yourself, “So Far, So Good!”  

"When God wants to make a mushroom, He does it overnight, but when He wants to make a giant oak, He takes a hundred years. Great souls are grown through struggles and storms and seasons of suffering. Be patient with the process." (Pastor Rick)  

Never forget that you’re on a spiritual journey, you’re making progress, and that the devil will always look for ways to remind you how far you still have to go! DON’T LISTEN TO HIM! Simply Remember the Words of Jesus: “…He has always been a murderer and a LIAR. THERE IS NOTHING TRUTHFUL ABOUT HIM…EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS A LIE. NOT ONLY IS HE A LIAR HIMSELF, BUT HE IS ALSO THE FATHER OF ALL LIES” (John 8:44 CEV).
Always Remember: If you get discouraged and give up, SATAN WINS! AND SURELY YOU DON’T WANT THAT!
Therefore, Never Listen to the Lies of Satan! No Matter What He Tells You, Remember Paul reminds us: “For though we walk (live) in the flesh, we are not carrying on our warfare according to the flesh and using mere human weapons. For the weapons of our warfare are not physical [weapons of flesh and blood], but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds, [Inasmuch as we] refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God; and we lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One)” (2 Corinthians 10:3-5 AMP).
Never Accept What Satan Says About You! Fight Him With Your Weapons of Warfare and Destroy Him! Bring Even Your Own Thoughts To Obey What the Lord Has Said About YOU!
In addition, learn to live beyond your feelings, dig down inside of you to where God’s Spirit Lives! And Then Take Heart! It may not always feel like it, but Every Day You’re Maturing and Growing Stronger In Christ! You Simply Need to Learn How to Subdue Your Outer Man and Strengthen Your Inner Man, While You Slay Satan! Yes, It’s Possible and Yes, You Can Do It! So Don’t Even Think About Throwing In The Towel! That Is NOT An Option For You!
Spiritually speaking, you’re probably not as far up the road as you’d like to be – HOWEVER, THANK GOD YOU’RE STILL ON THE ROAD!
At one time you were a stranger to God’s grace, now you belong to the “Household of Faith” Paul writes: “For this reason we also thank God without ceasing, because when you received the word of God which you heard from us, you welcomed it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the word of God, which also effectively works in you who believe” (1 Thessalonians 2:13 NKJV). Did you get that? As long as you keep believing it, God’s Word will keep working in you! Plus you’ll mature faster when you stop being so hard on yourself, learn to relax and start living by what God’s Word says about you – not how others feel about you!
Truth is, how you see yourself affects your spiritual progress! Until your self-concept lines up with God’s Concept of you as revealed in His Word, you’ll keep seeing yourself as inferior and unworthy – and that will stagnate, stunt and retard your spiritual growth!
If you know nothing else, know this, Nobody knows you like God does! And in spite of your struggles and stumblings, He loves and accepts you just as you are! God told Jeremiah, “Before I formed you…I knew…and approved of you…” So stop worrying about being rejected when you don’t “perform” perfectly! The world operates like that, but Not God! He’s ALREADY APPROVED OF YOU! SO YOU NEED NO ONE ELSES’ APPROVAL!
Plus, if you were as “perfect” as you’d like to be you wouldn’t need His grace, right?
Think of it like Jacob’s limp, sometimes God leaves flaws in us to remind us how much we need Him each day! So enjoy where you are NOW, and don’t compare yourself with other people. Don’t worry if they’re further along than you. It doesn’t matter! What matters is that you keep your feet on the journey God has mapped out for you…at the pace He’s mapped out for Your Feet Into Your Future, even if you have to limp along the way!
“When we were children, we thought and reasoned as children do…” (1 Corinthians 13:11 CEV)
A well-known Bible teacher says: “As a new Christian…I tried to become what I thought all Christians were…I thought they’d mastered a level of holiness that seemed to elude me. I admired those “Faith Hero’s” whose flowery testimonies hung around the ceiling like steam gathering in a shower. They seemed so changed, so sure, so stable…I thought God’s love was doled out according to a merit system. If I did well today, God loved me…if I failed, He didn’t. What a roller-coaster ride!…I didn’t realize everything that’s born has to grow and develop to maturity. I was expecting an immediate, powerful, all-inclusive metamorphosis that would transform me into…perfection.”
Do you feel that way? Like there’s something wrong with you because you never seem to measure up?
Hear this and remember it: Every “new man” starts out as a child needing time and training to grow up! Quick fix, do-it-yourself righteousness will make you try to impress others with a false sense of holiness. It’ll stop you from being honest before God, and make you think you should be further along than you are for your “Spiritual Age”.
Remember when you were a child and you dressed up in your Mom’s high heels or your Dad’s work boots? No matter how much you wanted them to fit, they didn’t look right. That didn’t mean there was something wrong with you; it just meant you were exactly where you should have been for Your Age and Your Stage. And it’s the same in your walk with God! So Be Patient, You’ll Get There! But It Takes Time, Maturity…and TIME! So stop trying to put on mom’s heels and dad’s work boots…in addition, stop trying to attain that title, that position, that office, that gift, that anointing…etc. Just WAIT! Your Season Will Come When It’s Due! Your Time Will Come When It’s Your Turn! 
In the Meanwhile, Whisper to Yourself…No Matter What Age or Stage of Maturity I'm At… “SO FAR, SO GOOD!” Then Gradually Keep Growing!

“Don’t Measure Your Successes On Someone Else’s Tape Measure” (Author Unknown)

 Much Love, Dr.Shermaine #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit

"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)

"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)