"5 Friends Every Woman Needs After 40"

 

Who says that when you turn 40, you’ve had your chance to make some great friends? By midlife, you don’t have to have found “your people,” but that’s not a hard and fast rule. And in many cases, this is the farthest thing from reality. While it’s true that you need a diverse group of friends, making an effort to meet new people is the only way to discover a new best friend. This is when faith comes in. Women should make an effort to meet new people. You can make as many as you want if that’s what you really want. Let go of any bitterness or animosity you may have toward prior relationships. If you expect to meet interesting people with relative ease, that’s precisely what you’ll do.

ONE: THAT PERSON WHO IS OPPOSITE OF YOU:

Sometimes the tried and true has to be flipped on its head. Do the opposite of what you’re used to, and you could make a buddy who might help you view things from fresh angles. Perhaps you and your new friend won’t have many interests, but you’ll enjoy chatting for hours anyhow. There may be some great discussions between the two of you since your perspectives are so different. This may prepare you for the next phase of your life by helping you become more open-minded and accepting of new ideas and experiences. It’s possible that your relationship with this individual may grow to be invaluable to you in the future.

TWO: YOUR SOUNDING BOARD:

Find a role model who encourages you to improve yourself. Someone who has gone through a lot yet hasn’t become cynical or bitter as a result. Get in touch with someone who has that inner wise old aunt spirit about them. This friend should be someone who inspires you to do your best and who never makes you feel less than you are. It’s inspiring to watch women who’ve been around for a while thriving and succeeding, just as it was as a child when we looked up to our adolescent babysitters.

THREE: THE ONE WHO KEEP IT 100:

This one will always be there for you. But also, unafraid to say it is how it is. Even if this individual learns all of your secrets, they will never tell anybody. They can give you their honest opinion, which isn’t always pleasant to hear. On the other hand, friendship isn't about saying the “correct” thing; it’s about speaking one’s mind with love and care.

FOUR: ONE WHO IS ADVENTUROUS:

It’s not just novel, but you’re also with someone who can make it really transformative. You can break out of a rut you’ve been in for years with the help of this individual. They are fearless and prepared to give it their best. Having a companion who will not only inspire you to try something new, but will actually join you in it, amps up the fun factor significantly. You could be persuaded to accomplish things your younger self would have thought were impossible.

FIVE: SELF-CARE CHEERLEADER:

The muddle of middle age is real. Whether you’re about to face an empty nest, still have kids at home, or don’t have any children at all, this can be a period of profound personal transformation. Real, in-depth self-care is essential. While mani-pedis and massages certainly have their uses, sometimes the best self-care is having someone who will cheer you on no matter what. Every once in a while, it’s nice to have a deep talk, but not everyone feels at ease doing so with their spa hookup buddies once a month. Know that this individual will give you the truth when you feel sad about yourself.

SOURCE: Dominique Lambright, October 9, 2022, BlackDoctor.Org

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine, #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit #IWantYou2LiveWell #FeelFree2SignUpAndFollow

The Goal is to Always Make You Aware of What Concerns Your Body, Soul and Spirit, So You Can Have Open, Honest and Frequent Discussions With Your Physicians and Counselors. You Can’t Treat or Cure What You Don’t Know is Sick.
 
"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)

"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)

The contents of the WebMD and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites, such as text, graphics, images, and other material contained on the WebMD and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites ("Content") are for informational purposes only. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on the WebMD and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites!

If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately. WebMD and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on the Sites. Reliance on any information provided by WebMD, WebMD employees, others appearing on the Site at the invitation of WebMD, and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine or other visitors to the Sites is solely at your own risk.  

"The Men Have Spoken: 9 Things Men Love To Hear"

 

Society would have you believe that men don’t have any feelings or show emotions, but in fact, men are as much emotional beings as women are.  Yes, even so-called “real” men, too. The power of the spoken word is healing or detrimental – depending on how you use it. So, let’s lift up the men we love with our words. Here’s nine phrases that the 100 men we surveyed wanted to hear:

9. “I’M PROUD OF YOU”

Men see their self-worth differently than women do. I remember being asked why I am so driven to succeed professionally. “Isn’t being a good man enough?” We strive towards goals and accomplishments whether it be at our job or a business we have chosen to start. Much of our confidence is dependent on how well we do in accomplishing these goals. Having the support of the woman in our life and know that you think we are doing a good job (professionally or personally) is reassuring in ways that many other statements can never be.

8. “THANK YOU”

Whether it is something small like picking up your prescription down the street, taking you to dinner, or getting that coffee in the morning — these two small words go a long way. Kindness should never be given to someone for the sake of a return, but appreciation should always be expressed when someone puts in effort.

7. “I SEE YOU”

Men get down on themselves about their bodies, too. We all want to have better abs or a more defined chest. We want to feel like we can protect you and ourselves. We want to feel strong. We want to feel like men. When we do put in the effort to start eating better and working out, we are hoping it gets noticed. But, not just by anyone — BY YOU. Telling us that you can see an improvement (no matter how small) from our efforts will reinforce us and encourage us to continue along our path. Staying motivated is not easy.

6. “I TRUST YOU”

With all of the negativity floating around in the world today, it is much easier to keep ourselves guarded and not fully trust somebody. The truth is, though, that if a man does not feel trusted, he will constantly feel insecure in the relationship. He will feel that you will be suspicious of everything he does or says and that you will not fully open up to him about how you feel. If a man knows that you trust him, it will bring a new level of security to the relationship.

5. “YOU LOOK HANDSOME”

It is said a good man should always remind his woman how beautiful he thinks she is–in part because he doesn’t want another man to do it more than him. Yet, it's also a great feeling for a man to be told he is handsome by someone he cares about. Just the word ‘handsome’ holds a different meaning than other compliments and seems to hit us a little differently. For those of us who do put effort into our appearance and don’t just toss on a t-shirt and jeans to go out to dinner, it is appreciated when our efforts are noticed. And even if we are known just to put on a t-shirt and jeans, when we do something different, it should be noticed as well.

4. “I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR PAST”

Putting it out there plain and simple for any man to know and believe is a great way to let him know that no matter what happened in the past, his past hurts, his past transgressions, that you’re still there and want only him. Even the so-called “players” have their time that they want to settle down. If you put it all out on the table, that man can never say he did not know.

3. “I SUPPORT YOU”

Whether we are working on a new business, starting a new gym routine, taking a new class, or undertaking any other venture in life — knowing that we have the undying support of the woman we love will make us feel like we always have a safety net for when things get rough.

2. “I APPRECIATE YOU”

This goes beyond the ‘thank you’ point, because appreciating someone for the person that they are is on a different level than appreciating things that they do for you. As men who work to keep you happy, become the best versions of ourselves, be good to others and to our family — it is very important to us to know that our efforts are truly appreciated.

1. “YOU MAKE ME HAPPY”

Wow! This statement right here is amazing. It encompasses the support, appreciation and trust. Any gentleman who is in a relationship will be striving to be a source of happiness in his woman’s life. Make sure he realizes that he is.

SOURCE: November 14, 2021 by Carter Higgins, BDO (BlackDoctor.Org, Special Contributor

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine, #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit #IWantYou2LiveWell #FeelFree2SignUpAndFollow

The Goal is to Always Make You Aware of What Concerns Your Body, Soul and Spirit, So You Can Have Open, Honest and Frequent Discussions With Your Physicians and Counselors. You Can’t Treat or Cure What You Don’t Know is Sick.
 
"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)

"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)

The contents of the Black Doctor and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites, such as text, graphics, images, and other material contained on the Black Doctor and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites ("Content") are for informational purposes only. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on the Black Doctor and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites!

If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately. Black Doctor and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on the Sites. Reliance on any information provided by Black Doctor, Black Doctor employees, others appearing on the Site at the invitation of Black Doctor, and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine or other visitors to the Sites is solely at your own risk.  

“Signs of a Bad Friend”

 

Friends are an important part of life — they make your life better by providing social and emotional support, providing companionship, and lifting your mood. Over your lifetime, maintaining positive friendships can lead to improved health and well-being — and even lengthen your life. However, not all friendships are beneficial. Some are toxic and stressful. A bad friend can be many things, but, typically, they lead to mental and emotional fatigue or a lack of general well-being. Research shows that negative or overly-aggressive social interactions can lead to increased inflammation within the body.

WHAT IS A BAD FRIEND? In short, a bad friend is someone who is stressful or exhausting to be around. They may be:

• Overly competitive with you
• Likely to encourage bad behaviors 
• Unreliable
• Combative (like to start fights)
• Rude
• Mean or degrading (make you feel bad)
• Prone to gossip
• Likely to bully you or others

Humans aren’t perfect, and this extends to friendships. However, when interactions with a friend are overwhelmingly negative, you may be dealing with a bad friend. While admitting you have a bad friend can be disappointing, there are steps you can take to move forward. Recognizing the types of bad friends and the signs of a toxic friendship, as well as moving on from the relationship, will lead to your improved health and well-being. 

TYPES OF BAD FRIENDS: While bad friendships always include negative interactions and damage to your emotional well-being, there is a broad range of the types of toxic friendships you may experience. Some examples include:

THE SELFISH FRIEND: This friend may only make plans when it is beneficial to them — or only when they are feeling lonely and bored. They may also seek constant attention or ask for unreasonable favors. Otherwise, they are unavailable or unreliable when you need them most. This friendship may feel largely one-sided or disappointing. 

THE OVERLY CRITICAL FRIEND: This friend may degrade you intentionally or unintentionally. If they share your personal stories or make derogatory comments (such as put downs) behind your back, you may have an overly critical friend who lacks a healthy filter. 

THE OVERSTEPPING FRIEND: This friend may have good intentions but lacks boundaries. An overstepping friend may insert themselves into conversations or issues with you and your partner, family, or other friends without being asked or initially included.

THE COMPETITIVE FRIEND: Competition can be healthy, but if you find that your friend is passive-aggressive when you find success, you may be dealing with an overly competitive friend who is unable to be happy for you. 

THE VICTIM: A common form of bad friend is the victim. While friends will need help from time to time, this person may have an unhealthy need for attention or sympathy from others. They may drain your capacity for compassion. 

SIGNS OF A BAD FRIEND: Every friendship has its problems, but a truly bad friend will follow a consistent pattern of toxic behavior. Several signs, however, can indicate that your friendship is damaging to you or your other relationships. Here are some of the signs to watch out for.

DISTRUST: If you find yourself with a genuine lack of trust toward a friend, it may be time to part ways. Another sign of a bad friend is a growing feeling of unease or dislike toward them. 

ABUSE: While it may seem obvious, it can be difficult to recognize abusive behavior in people you love or trust. Any form of abuse — physical, mental, emotional, or otherwise — is an occasion for ending the friendship and including professional help from law enforcement or other resources if needed. Abuse may not always seem obvious. Listen to your intuition (gut feeling). If you’re feeling degraded or mistreated by your friend, you are in a negative relationship that can damage your self-esteem and mental health. 

MALICIOUS BEHAVIOR: If your friend speaks to you or calls you names with the intent to hurt your feelings, you are experiencing a bad friendship. Malicious (hurtful) behavior can appear in the form of rudeness, the cold shoulder, or overt meanness. 

BAD INFLUENCE: One of the clearest signs of a bad friend is that your friend encourages criminal or dangerous behavior. 

DEALING WITH A BAD FRIEND: It’s not uncommon to feel stuck in a bad friendship. If you’re starting to feel as though your friendship is becoming negative or is damaging your mental health, you should:

END THE FRIENDSHIP IMMEDIATELY: It can be challenging to decide to end a friendship. If you’re feeling unsure about the nature of your relationship, you may ask yourself:

• Does this friendship make me feel valued?
• Do I feel encouraged by my friend?
• Do I feel happy when I’m with my friend?

If you cannot answer any of these questions positively, it is time to end your friendship and move on.

BUILD NEW RELATIONSHIPS: It is important to surround yourself with positive and meaningful relationships. If you’re feeling discouraged, you can meet new people by:

• Attending events 
• Volunteering 
• Extending and accepting invitations to others
• Taking up a new hobby
• Joining a community 
• Taking a walk 

MEDICALLY REVIEWED BY: Dan Brennan, MD, WebMD on November 17, 2020

SOURCES:

Innovation in Aging: “THE UNIQUE ROLE OF FRIENDSHIP FOR HEALTH AND WELL-BEING ACROSS LIFE AND AROUND THE WORLD.”

Mayo Clinic: “Friendships: Enrich your life and improve your health.”

Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America: “Negative and competitive social interactions are related to heightened proinflammatory cytokine activity.”

Psychology Today: “Behind Frenemy Lines: How I’ve identified and dealt with toxic friendships.”

Psychology Today: “How to Spot a Bad Friend.”

“In life we never lose friends, we only learn who the TRUE ones are.” (Author Unknown)

“Some of the most poisonous people come disguised as friends.” (Author Unknown)

“Growing up means realizing a lot of your friends aren’t really your friends.” (Author Unknown)

“The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserved to.” (Author Unknown)

“Sometimes friends are like pennies, two-faced and worthless.” (Author Unknown).

“Be very selective when it comes to choosing friends. People nowadays don’t know the true meaning of friendship and loyalty.” (Author Unknown).

“Bad friends will prevent you from having good friends.” (Author Unknown).

“I’m not saying you’re a bad friend…you just aren’t a good one to me.” (Author Unknown).

“If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors.” (Author Unknown).

“Everybody isn’t your friend. Just because they hang around you and laugh with you doesn’t mean they’re for you. Just because they say they got your back, doesn’t mean they won’t stab you in it. People pretend well. Jealously sometimes doesn’t live far. So, know your circle. At the end of the day, real situations expose fake people, so pay attention.” (Author Unknown).

“Breaking someone’s trust is like crumpling up a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over but it’s never going to be the same again.” (Author Unknown).

“A close friend can become a close enemy.” (Author Unknown).

“Fake friends are like shadows. They follow you in the sun but leave you in the dark.” (Author Unknown).

“Don’t fear the ENEMY that ATTACKS you, but the FAKE FRIEND that HUGS you.” (Author Unknown).

“Distance sometimes lets you know who’s worth keeping and who’s worth letting go.” (Author Unknown).

“A true friend is someone who is always there for you, with no agenda other than the friendship itself. We rely on our friends to lift us up in bad times, to keep us grounded in good times, but most importantly, to be there for us when we need nothing at all.” (Tonya Hurley).

“True friends say good things behind your back and bad things to your face.” (Author Unknown).

 

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine, #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit #IWantYou2LiveWell #FeelFree2SignUpAndFollow

The Goal is to Always Make You Aware of What Concerns Your Body, Soul and Spirit, So You Can Have Open, Honest and Frequent Discussions With Your Physicians and Counselors. You Can’t Treat or Cure What You Don’t Know is Sick.
 
"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)

"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)

The contents of the WebMD and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites, such as text, graphics, images, and other material contained on the WebMD and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites ("Content") are for informational purposes only. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on the WebMD and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites!

If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately. WebMD and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on the Sites. Reliance on any information provided by WebMD, WebMD employees, others appearing on the Site at the invitation of WebMD, and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine or other visitors to the Sites is solely at your own risk.  

“Are You Apologizing Wrong?”

 

A genuine apology can work wonders – it can repair and even strengthen the bonds of a relationship. Unfortunately, the seemingly simple act of saying “I’m sorry” can go wrong in more ways than we might imagine, and a botched apology can be worse than no apology at all.

Here are some common problems that make apologies less effective:

“APOLOGY”	PROBLEM
“I’m sorry, I just don’t do well with surprises.”	Rationalizing your behavior by justifying your actions—which makes you sound like you’re not really sorry.
“I’m sorry that I don’t respond well to being controlled.”	Blaming the other person. This is a particularly toxic form of rationalization, turning a supposed apology into an accusation.
“I’m sorry you interpreted it that way.”	Apologizing for the other person’s reaction.  You suggest that the real problem isn’t what you did or said, but how the other person took it.
“I’m so sorry—I know how frustrating that is from times you’ve done the same thing to me.”	Using the apology to remind the other person of their past faults.  While it sounds like empathy, it’s intended to remind the person that they’re just as guilty.
“I’m sorry I reacted so strongly, but I’d like you to work on the way you ask me to do things.”	Including a “but…” after the apology.  Whatever comes after the “but” tends to neutralize the apology.
Usually unstated	Expecting the other person to apologize in return.  When we bring expectations for how the other person will respond, it makes the apology less than sincere.
“I’m sorry if I said something to upset you.”	Using an apology to ask a question.  Rather than asking the person directly, you disguise your question as an apology.
“I feel so terrible. I was crying on the way home last night because I couldn’t believe I treated you that way. Sometimes I wonder if some of this is related to my upbringing.”	Making it about you.  You focus on your thoughts, feelings, and actions instead of on how your actions affected the other person and what you can do to make it right.
“I’m an awful, awful person for forgetting to call on your birthday. I know it will take years to earn your trust again, if that’s even possible.”	Going over the top.  By being extremely harsh toward yourself, you invite the other person to tell you it’s not that bad.

So, what makes for a truly effective apology? The following guidelines tend to be helpful:

BE SPECIFIC: A shared understanding of what you’re apologizing for is crucial. For example, you might say, “I’m sorry I spoke rudely to you,” or, “I’m sorry I compared you to your mother,” rather than more vague or blanket statements like, “I’m sorry about earlier,” or, “I’m sorry for everything.”  

BE SINCERE: Don’t say you’re sorry if you’re not. While we’re often coerced as children to say we’re sorry, it needs to be genuine to have a positive effect.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU DID: While there’s no one right way to apologize, true apologies usually take the form, “I’m sorry I….” Check yourself if you’re about to say, “I’m sorry you…,” as in, “I’m sorry you were offended”—those kinds of statements aren’t likely to repair the relationship like an actual apology.

PROVIDE AN EXPLANATION (NOT AN EXCUSE): Without justifying your behavior, it’s helpful for the other person to have some understanding of what led to it. For example, a person could explain that they were stressed and hadn’t eaten all day, which contributed to their moodiness—while underscoring that they wanted to speak kindly no matter how they feel.

TRY TO MAKE IT RIGHT: Restoring a fractured bond requires doing some repair work. For example, if you were distant and distracted when the person was trying to talk with you, plan a time to sit down and give them your full attention.

STATE YOUR INTENTION TO DO BETTER: Let the other person know you’ll be working to improve things for the future. Make your intentions realistic—don’t promise, for example, that you’ll “never get impatient again.”

ALLOW THE OTHER PERSON’S REACTION TO BE WHAT IT IS: Don’t expect instant forgiveness, a heart-melting reconciliation, or a reciprocal apology. It may take time for the other person to receive your apology, and you may need to do additional work to restore trust.

It’s not easy to apologize because it means admitting we’re wrong, and we don’t want to feel like a bad person. But think about how you feel when others apologize to you—most likely it helps rather than hurts your view of them. Apologizing shows that you understand when you’ve hurt someone and are the kind of person who wants to make it right.

Don’t let these many potential pitfalls fool you—an effective apology is actually quite simple. Just imagine if the roles were reversed and consider what you would want the other person to say and do. Forgiveness is built into every good relationship, and an authentic apology is the most direct way to get there.

BY: Seth J. Gillihan, PhD Clinical Psychologist, WebMD, March 12, 2019

Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, is a licensed psychologist and host of the weekly Think Act Be podcast. He is author of The CBT Deck, Retrain Your Brain, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Made Simple, and co-author with Dr. Aria Campbell-Danesh of A Mindful Year: 365 Ways to Find Connection and the Sacred in Everyday Life. Dr. Gillihan provides resources for managing stress, anxiety, and other conditions on the Think Act Be website.

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine, #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit #IWantYou2LiveWell #FeelFree2SignUpAndFollow

The Goal is to Always Make You Aware of What Concerns Your Body, Soul and Spirit, So You Can Have Open, Honest and Frequent Discussions With Your Physicians and Counselors. You Can’t Treat or Cure What You Don’t Know is Sick.
 
"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)

"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)

The contents of the WebMD and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites, such as text, graphics, images, and other material contained on the WebMD and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites ("Content") are for informational purposes only. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on the WebMD and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites!

If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately. WebMD and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on the Sites. Reliance on any information provided by WebMD, WebMD employees, others appearing on the Site at the invitation of WebMD, and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine or other visitors to the Sites is solely at your own risk.