"The Men Have Spoken: 9 Things Men Love To Hear"

 

Society would have you believe that men don’t have any feelings or show emotions, but in fact, men are as much emotional beings as women are.  Yes, even so-called “real” men, too. The power of the spoken word is healing or detrimental – depending on how you use it. So, let’s lift up the men we love with our words. Here’s nine phrases that the 100 men we surveyed wanted to hear:

9. “I’M PROUD OF YOU”

Men see their self-worth differently than women do. I remember being asked why I am so driven to succeed professionally. “Isn’t being a good man enough?” We strive towards goals and accomplishments whether it be at our job or a business we have chosen to start. Much of our confidence is dependent on how well we do in accomplishing these goals. Having the support of the woman in our life and know that you think we are doing a good job (professionally or personally) is reassuring in ways that many other statements can never be.

8. “THANK YOU”

Whether it is something small like picking up your prescription down the street, taking you to dinner, or getting that coffee in the morning — these two small words go a long way. Kindness should never be given to someone for the sake of a return, but appreciation should always be expressed when someone puts in effort.

7. “I SEE YOU”

Men get down on themselves about their bodies, too. We all want to have better abs or a more defined chest. We want to feel like we can protect you and ourselves. We want to feel strong. We want to feel like men. When we do put in the effort to start eating better and working out, we are hoping it gets noticed. But, not just by anyone — BY YOU. Telling us that you can see an improvement (no matter how small) from our efforts will reinforce us and encourage us to continue along our path. Staying motivated is not easy.

6. “I TRUST YOU”

With all of the negativity floating around in the world today, it is much easier to keep ourselves guarded and not fully trust somebody. The truth is, though, that if a man does not feel trusted, he will constantly feel insecure in the relationship. He will feel that you will be suspicious of everything he does or says and that you will not fully open up to him about how you feel. If a man knows that you trust him, it will bring a new level of security to the relationship.

5. “YOU LOOK HANDSOME”

It is said a good man should always remind his woman how beautiful he thinks she is–in part because he doesn’t want another man to do it more than him. Yet, it's also a great feeling for a man to be told he is handsome by someone he cares about. Just the word ‘handsome’ holds a different meaning than other compliments and seems to hit us a little differently. For those of us who do put effort into our appearance and don’t just toss on a t-shirt and jeans to go out to dinner, it is appreciated when our efforts are noticed. And even if we are known just to put on a t-shirt and jeans, when we do something different, it should be noticed as well.

4. “I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR PAST”

Putting it out there plain and simple for any man to know and believe is a great way to let him know that no matter what happened in the past, his past hurts, his past transgressions, that you’re still there and want only him. Even the so-called “players” have their time that they want to settle down. If you put it all out on the table, that man can never say he did not know.

3. “I SUPPORT YOU”

Whether we are working on a new business, starting a new gym routine, taking a new class, or undertaking any other venture in life — knowing that we have the undying support of the woman we love will make us feel like we always have a safety net for when things get rough.

2. “I APPRECIATE YOU”

This goes beyond the ‘thank you’ point, because appreciating someone for the person that they are is on a different level than appreciating things that they do for you. As men who work to keep you happy, become the best versions of ourselves, be good to others and to our family — it is very important to us to know that our efforts are truly appreciated.

1. “YOU MAKE ME HAPPY”

Wow! This statement right here is amazing. It encompasses the support, appreciation and trust. Any gentleman who is in a relationship will be striving to be a source of happiness in his woman’s life. Make sure he realizes that he is.

SOURCE: November 14, 2021 by Carter Higgins, BDO (BlackDoctor.Org, Special Contributor

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine, #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit #IWantYou2LiveWell #FeelFree2SignUpAndFollow

The Goal is to Always Make You Aware of What Concerns Your Body, Soul and Spirit, So You Can Have Open, Honest and Frequent Discussions With Your Physicians and Counselors. You Can’t Treat or Cure What You Don’t Know is Sick.
 
"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)

"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)

The contents of the Black Doctor and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites, such as text, graphics, images, and other material contained on the Black Doctor and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites ("Content") are for informational purposes only. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on the Black Doctor and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites!

If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately. Black Doctor and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on the Sites. Reliance on any information provided by Black Doctor, Black Doctor employees, others appearing on the Site at the invitation of Black Doctor, and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine or other visitors to the Sites is solely at your own risk.  

“The 50 Best Marriage Tips From Couples Who've Been Married for 50+ Years!”

 

THIS RELATIONSHIP ADVICE IS THE KEY TO MAKING IT THROUGH ANYTHING.

When you first walk down the aisle, tons of people give you marriage tips like "never go to bed angry" and "remember that you're on the same team." Of course, during the honeymoon stage, that advice for a long, successful marriage doesn't seem very pressing. But with the rising number of couples over 50 calling it quits—these "gray divorces" now account for 25 percent of splits—it seems harder than ever to make a marriage really last until death do you part. So, what do those couples who do manage to make their unions last for decades know about love that the rest of us don't? From the small gestures that keep the romance alive to tips on overcoming the challenges most couples face, we've gathered the best marriage tips from those who've stuck it out for half a century. These are the keys to marital success.

 

1 LET YOUR PARTNER KNOW YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT THEM THROUGHOUT THE DAY: If you want your partner to feel both desirable and desired, make sure you're letting them know just how often they're on your mind. "Let your partner know you are thinking about them and putting them first in your mind," suggests Beverly B. Palmer, PhD, a professor of psychology, clinical psychologist, and author who has been married for 50 years.

2 AND LET THEM EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS FIRST: Instead of always letting your partner know exactly how you're feeling first, make space for them to express themselves before you start sharing. "Understand your partner's point of view and let your partner know that," says Palmer. "After that, you can express yours."

3 ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER FOR WHO THEY ARE: Houses are fixer-uppers, but viewing your spouse that way is a recipe for disaster. "Accept your partner just for who they are. Don't try to change them," Palmer recommends. After all, people can only change if they want to. "Just accept their strengths and weaknesses that make them unique and that you love them for that."

4 IMAGINE WHAT YOUR LIFE WOULD REALLY BE LIKE WITHOUT THEM: Just because your relationship gets rocky from time to time doesn't mean you and your spouse aren't a good match—just try imagining life without them and you'll realize how important they are to you. "Sometimes, when I have a couple in counseling who are either antagonistic toward one another or apathetic, I tell them: 'Think about that you may not have tomorrow with the one you love,'" says Palmer. "'What would you wish you had said or done today that would have made a difference?'"

5 LEARN HOW TO COMPROMISE: Listen, all couples fight. But half the battle of marriage is knowing which fights to pick and which ones you should meet your spouse on halfway. "We compromise," says Anna Pallante, who has been married to her husband Aniello for 58 years. "When you love each other, you commit to make the bumpy road of life smoother together. When you do that each day, you put the love and each other first, instead of yourself. That keeps things peaceful."

6 BE PHYSICALLY AFFECTIONATE WITH ONE ANOTHER: Making your spouse feel loved sometimes means more than just listening to their wants and needs—physical affection is important, too. "A hug and a kiss go a long way," says artist Sheila Rechtshaffer, who has been married to her husband, Bert, for 56 years.

7 END THE NIGHT ON A POSITIVE NOTE: Before you turn in for the evening, make sure you and your spouse are on the same page about the disagreements you had earlier in the day. "Don't go to bed angry," says Bert.

8 ENJOY ONE ANOTHER'S COMPANY: With work, social commitments, and other family members competing for your time, it may be difficult to allocate one-on-one time with your spouse. But making a point to do so—and enjoying it—can make your relationship stronger in the long run. "One of the very most important things is enjoying doing things together," says Tom Wilbur, who has been married for 49 years.

9 MAINTAIN THE FRIENDSHIP IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP: As your relationship progresses, don't forget to maintain your friendship along with the romantic side of your relationship. "We have always been able to spend a great deal of time together and a true friendship was easily formed," says Barbara Adoff, who has been married to her husband Bill for 47 years. "Best friends are there for each other, support each other, and like to have fun together. I often tell my hubby I feel like we're having one very long sleepover."

10 LIVE IN THE MOMENT: Turning otherwise boring activities into small romantic opportunities can keep the passion alive, no matter how long you've been together. "Simply stopping at Wawa for a coffee on our way to run errands makes it special," says Barbara. "We often take time to make things fun or enjoy the moment. If a good song comes on at home we'll stop and dance, we go to the movies and for walks."

11 DECOMPRESS TOGETHER: Self-care is important—and performing those restorative acts with your partner can often make your relationship stronger along the way. "We manage to get into our hot tub most days and this relaxing down time is a treat," says Barbara. "Treats are being good to yourself and to each other."

12 MAKE EVERYTHING A DATE: Want to keep your marriage strong? Take any opportunity to spend time together. "Just going to the grocery store together should be treated like a date," says Barbara's husband, Bill.

13 MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE SAME FINANCIAL PRIORITIES: While savers and spenders can happily coexist, it's important to see eye-to-eye on your longer-term financial goals to keep your marriage on steady footing. "The biggest problem long-term couples have is finances," says Bill. "Get on the same page right away. Don't let money get in the way."

14 HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP: Sometimes, things don't work out the way you'd planned. Instead of picking a fight with your spouse or getting down, try having a good laugh about things. "Laugh at yourself and at each other," suggests Barbara. "Laugh with each other. Humor is the way to enjoy a marriage and to raise children."

15 DON'T BE AFRAID TO GIVE EACH OTHER SPACE: Space doesn't have to be a bad thing. Just because you want to spend time away from your partner doesn't mean you love or cherish them any less. "I credit still being married to living in a big house," Maureen McEwan, who's been married to her husband Tom for more than 50 years, told Good Housekeeping. "I need space. I need to know that I can be by myself and [have room to be] artistic."

16 KNOW THAT THE GRASS IS NOT ALWAYS GREENER: Many people end up unhappy in their marriage because they wonder, "What if there's someone better out there for me?" or "What if this is not the right path for me?" But most of the time, the answers to those questions are: "There isn't" and "It is." "My grandkids won't settle down because they think the grass is greener," Sheldon Y., who's been married for 50 years, told Elite Daily. "I met my wife and asked her to marry me three days later. When you know someone is right for you, settle down with them and don't let them go. The grass is never greener than love you foster over many years."

17 DON'T BE AFRAID TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP: Seeking outside help is still a bit taboo in some circles where people assume marriage counseling insinuates their relationship is weak. However, it's actually quite the opposite. "I'm not Cinderella, and he's not Prince Charming," Sherri Sugarman, who's been married to her husband Charlie for more than 50 years, told Good Housekeeping. "Glitches along the way are normal because it's hard to live together all these years. We went to a marriage counselor at one point because we were going in different directions and needed professional help. You always have to keep working on the relationship."

18 REALIZE THAT YOU WILL FIGHT: Sometimes, people have an idolized view of marriage and think that one fight means the end is near. But the truth is, all couples fight—even the happy ones. "It's not all been easy years. Young people will say, 'Oh you almost never fight.' We say, 'No, au contraire, we fight all the time,'" Jim Owen, who's been married to his wife Stanya for 50 years, told Fatherly. "You can [keep your marriage alive], but it takes a lot of work. It's not just something that you can ho-him through life."

19 DON'T ALWAYS LIVE IN THE FUTURE: While it can be nice to envision your future with someone, if you're always focused on what's to come, you won't actually be appreciating your partner in the now—which leads to problems in the future. "I'm always surprised that young people who date for two weeks say, 'I think I finally met the one that I want to spend my life with!' It's almost like they visualize the next 5, 10, or 20 years. I don't think we've ever done that," Owen told Fatherly. "We don't live in the future. We don't think, 'It's going to be so much better once this or that event happens.'"

 

20 KNOW THAT NO MARRIAGE IS PERFECT: Basing your marriage off the marriage of anyone else can be a recipe for disaster. The only people you need to prove your marriage to are you and your partner, not the world. "I think one of the issues that young people face is that they look at social media, they listen to celebrity stuff, and they think that somewhere out there is a possibility of marriage made in heaven, where there are no issues. Like some people have the perfect marriage. And that's simply not true. Every family has issues," Owen explained to Fatherly.

 

21 ALWAYS KISS EACH OTHER GOODNIGHT: The world is full of surprises, and not all of them good, so make the most of every moment with your partner—especially at the end of the day. "Always kiss each other goodnight because you never know what tomorrow may bring," Joyce Smith Speares, who's been married to Benny DeWitt for more than 60 years, told Southern Living.

 

22 UNDERSTAND THAT PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE: It's true. If you hope for anything out of your spouse, hope for patience. "Patience has made our marriage resilient and has been one of the most important reasons that we are still living happily ever after, enjoying our golden years," Ann Yedowitz, who has been married to her husband Joe for more than 50 years, told Southern Living.

 

23 AND KNOW THAT YOU'RE A TEAM, NO MATTER WHAT: The secret to a happy, loving marriage? Knowing that you're in it together, as a team, no matter what either of you face individually. Once you're married, everything should be faced together. "I know Alan is there for me," Evelyn Brier told Good Housekeeping about her husband of more than 50 years. "I was sick with breast cancer [eight] years ago, and he was right there. It was important, and satisfying, to know that there's someone who genuinely cares about my wellbeing. That's what loves does."

24 FOCUS ON FRIENDSHIP, NOT JUST LUST: Being friends before you enter into a romantic relationship can help cement your bond decades down the line. "We were friends for several years before we started officially dating," explains Silvana Clark, an author and speaker who has been married for 42 years. "This gave us time to know each other and have a realistic understanding of our personalities, strengths, and weaknesses."

 

25 KEEP SAYING "YES" TO NEW EXPERIENCES: If you want your relationship to last, make "yes" a priority. "Marry someone who is fun to be with. Then throughout your marriage, say 'yes' to each other," suggests Clark. "'Yes, we can paint the dining room red if you want.' 'Yes, we can go to a musical, even though I don't like singing and tap dancing.' 'Yes, let's get a sheep to mow the yard because it takes too long to use a lawn mower.' We've found, by saying 'yes' to each other, our lives have been filled with new experiences and amazing times together."

 

26 DECIDE WHAT'S A DEALBREAKER BEFORE YOU TIE THE KNOT: Your spouse isn't likely to change just because you got married, so it's important to know what your dealbreakers are before you walk down the aisle. "Of course, we all have problems, but if you are thinking of marrying someone who drinks heavily when upset, is moody and has fits of rage, stay away!" says Clark. "Those traits won't disappear when you get married. Even marrying someone who is a homebody while you love to travel can be a factor in causing stress in a marriage."

 

27 REMINISCE ABOUT WHY YOU FIRST FELL IN LOVE: Your passion for one another may wax and wane over the years but remembering why you first fell in love can help pull you back in when you feel like you're drifting away from each other. "Keep close in your mind some poignant memories of the first rushes of love—when you knew that you never wanted to be far from this person, when your heart felt a physical jump at the sight of them," say Lewis and Marsha McGehee, who have been married for 44 years. "The daily obstacles will work out if the resolve to hold on to your love story is strong."

 

28 MAKE YOUR PARTNER FEEL WANTED: Knowing (and regularly hearing) that your spouse loves you is important, but knowing they want you can make your marriage last a lifetime. "Being attractive…means doing little things for each other and feeling needed and desired," says Lewis. "I want my spouse to want me."

 

29 MAINTAIN A LIFE OUTSIDE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP: Codependence can quickly sour any relationship—and maintaining your personal interests outside the marriage might just be the key to enjoying a solid union. "I want my spouse to be engaged in a productive life and care about herself," says Lewis.

 

30 TAKE PRIDE IN YOUR APPEARANCE: "I think that maintaining physical attractiveness is also important," Lewis adds. "I don't mean just in a superficial way. Being attractive to your spouse means multiple things, like trying to stay in shape by working out. This has the added benefit of keeping one's mental attitude strong and positive."

 

31 DON'T LOOK FOR EXCUSES TO END THINGS: Throwing out the “D” word in arguments—or even thinking that this fight might be your last one—will inevitably cause tension in your marriage that you may be unable to fix. "Never go into an argument thinking that it could be the end of the relationship," the McGehees advise. "That means speaking your mind, but not saying or doing anything that is not recoverable. Healthy marriages are not always smooth but should always be respectful."

 

32 CELEBRATE ONE ANOTHER JUST BECAUSE: You shouldn't wait for holidays or anniversaries to celebrate all the wonderful things you love about your spouse. "I have always celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, and it simply being a Wednesday on what started as a crazy work week," says Carol Gee, author of Random Notes (About Life, "Stuff" And Finally Learning to Exhale), who has been married for 47 years. "Celebrate occasions, big and small. These celebrations don't have to be big deals—a cake and coffee to celebrate a birthday, or because it's Friday and you simply love being together."

 

33 KEEP YOUR SPOUSE GUESSING: Keeping your spouse on their toes can go a long way. "One day I asked my husband what he thought the secret to our marriage was," says Gee. "A quiet man of little words, he said, 'I never know what you are going to do from one minute to the next, and I find I like that.'"

 

34 MAKE INTIMACY A PRIORITY OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM: Having an amazing sex life can keep both partners interested but exploring intimacy outside the confines of the bedroom is equally important. "Intimacy is more than sex," says Gee. "It's holding hands, it's kissing each other good morning and goodbye. It's spending time together without outside distractions, cell phones, televisions, that sort of thing."

 

35 PERFORM SMALL GESTURES OF KINDNESS ON A REGULAR BASIS: Over time, many people get so used to their partners being around that they no longer feel the need to perform those little acts of kindness, like pulling out chairs, holding an umbrella for one another, or tackling a chore just so their significant other doesn't have to. "No matter how long we have been married, my husband holding doors open for me makes me feel special," says Gee.

 

36 HAVE A DAILY MEALTIME CHECK-IN: Sharing at least one daily device-free meal can make all the difference when it comes to the health of your relationship. "We have always tried to eat at least one meal together daily," says Gee. "As a working couple (before both retiring) with different work hours, it's typically dinner. Not only do we enjoy a meal together, but we also use this time to talk about our day."

 

37 AND MAKE DINNER AT HOME A SPECIAL OCCASION: Even if you're just heating up last night's leftovers, you can make meals with your spouse feel like a special occasion every night of the week. Light some candles, open a bottle of good wine, or put on a romantic playlist to set the mood. "Casseroles more often than not are served in our dining room on good china," says Gee.

 

38 KEEP THE ROMANCE ALIVE: Sweeping your significant other off their feet is something that can keep those fires lit even after you've been together for decades. "I plan trips where he only has to pack his bag," Gee says. "He, on the other hand, will surprise me by bringing home dinner, or buying the lottery scratch-offs that I adore, and hiding them where I can find them. The unusual locations—such as in the dishes in the cabinet or hidden in our bed—show the thought he puts in just because it tickles me when I find them."

 

39 LEARN WHAT YOU WANT IN BED—AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO TELL YOUR PARTNER: If you want to keep your relationship strong over the years, make sure you're letting your partner know what you want in the bedroom—especially if it's changed over time. "We have learned how to excite each other and how to please each other," says Beverly Solomon, a creative director who has been married for 44 years. "As your love grows, so does the quality of your sexual intimacy. As you age, you really appreciate the shared pleasures of true love."

40 SHOW GRATITUDE: Being thankful can help put things into perspective, keeping you and your spouse from spiraling into despair just because things aren't going the way you expected. "[We] give thanks every day for the blessings we have and for the blessings to come," says Solomon.

 

41 KEEP COMPANY WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE: Want to see your relationship through a rosier lens? Try spending time with friends who share your positive outlook on life. "We avoid negative people and negative situations," Solomon notes. "Being around negative people with negative outlooks can poison your life."

 

42 TAKE TIME TO COOL OFF IF THINGS ARE GETTING TOO HEATED: If you find yourself getting a little bit too passionate during an argument with your spouse, it's often better to back off for the time being and return to the discussion later when you're feeling calmer. "We have disagreements—as all couples do," says Solomon. But, she adds, "if one or both of us feels that we are too upset to discuss an issue in a sane and respectful way, we give ourselves some time to cool down."

 

43 AND DON'T LET YOUR ARGUMENTS SPILL OVER INTO OTHER RELATIONSHIPS: While venting to your friends about your spouse's seeming inability to pick up their socks may be cathartic, spilling the intimate details of what's going wrong in your marriage every time you and your partner disagree may do more harm than good. "We never badmouth each other to others," says Solomon.

 

44 LEARN TO TUNE OUT THE NOISE: Learning to not let others' opinions and advice infiltrate your marriage will keep you and your spouse in sync as time goes by. "When we were first married, there were many expectations placed on us by our parents," says Dana Kichen, a real estate agent who has been married for 42 years. "After four years of tug and pull, we moved out of state and learned to totally rely on each other. This has continued throughout our marriage."

 

45 SPEAK USING "I" STATEMENTS WHEN YOU ARGUE: Instead of enumerating the many ways your partner has upset you, present those issues from your perspective using "I" statements, like, "I feel hurt when you're on your phone when I'm talking to you." "This allows discussion without putting the other person on the defensive, and therefore avoids the escalation of an argument," explains Kichen.

 

46 LEARN TO REALLY APOLOGIZE: Apologizing to your partner is essential for keeping your marriage strong and healthy over the years—but that doesn't always mean concession after a big fight. "Saying 'I'm sorry' does not have to mean 'I was wrong,'" Kichen points out. "It can refer to being sorry for hurting feelings, shouting—anything. This allows you to put hurt feelings aside and go on without one person being right and the other wrong."

 

47 SAY NO TO DISTRACTIONS WHEN YOU'RE COMMUNICATING WITH ONE ANOTHER: When you're having heart-to-hearts with your spouse, it's important to make sure they're your number one priority—not what's on TV, not the laundry in the dryer, and not what's on your phone. "What makes our relationship work is trying not to multi-task when we are communicating with each other," says author Bracha Goetz, who has been married for 40 years. "And when we try to focus on each other completely when communicating, it's like we are in the middle of a first exciting date forever."

 

48 DON'T BRING WORK INTO THE RELATIONSHIP: When work stress spills over into your relationship or relationship stress spills over into your work life, it's a recipe for disaster. "We both did our own thing," says Gayle Carson, a life coach who was married for 45 years before her husband passed away. "I had my own business and eventually my husband had his. We didn't interfere with each other and when we came together, it was glorious."

49 PURSUE SOME OF THE SAME INTERESTS: Having a few activities you both love can mean the difference between decades of marital bliss and seemingly endless strife. "We did have common interests for entertainment," says Carson. "Every weekend was spent water skiing, swimming, and out in the boat. We loved going to movies, eating out, and watching TV."

 

50 BUT REMEMBER THAT OPPOSITES ATTRACT: While enjoying some of the same things certainly makes it easier to spend time together, don't operate under the assumption that you have to share a personality to happily share a life together. "Although I was the extrovert and he the introvert, it worked because we didn't push each other in either direction," says Carson.

 

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine, #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit #IWantYou2LiveWell #FeelFree2SignUpAndFollow

The Goal is to Always Make You Aware of What Concerns Your Body, Soul and Spirit, So You Can Have Open, Honest and Frequent Discussions With Your Physicians and Counselors. You Can’t Treat or Cure What You Don’t Know is Sick.
 
"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)

"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)

 

The contents of the Best Life Online and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites, such as text, graphics, images, and other material contained on the Best Life Online and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites ("Content") are for informational purposes only. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on the Best Life Online and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine Sites!

If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately. Best Life Online and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on the Sites. Reliance on any information provided by Best Life Online, Best Life Online employees, others appearing on the Site at the invitation of Best Life Online, and Self-Care With Dr. Shermaine or other visitors to the Sites is solely at your own risk.  

“Dating and Marriage Tips From Couples Who Have Been Married 25+ Years”

 

Can we agree that all advice isn’t good advice? Sometimes your friends want to tell you how to do something even if they haven’t been through it (*shaking my head*). So, instead of boring you with tips that are just theories, here are some dating, marriage and relationship tips from couples have been married for at least 25 years or more.

1. DON’T GO TO BED ANGRY: Even if you can’t resolve a disagreement before you hit the sheets, you can agree to let the anger go for the night. Remind each other how lucky you are — even as you disagree — to have each other to disagree with.

2. GIVE COMPLIMENTS: To give a compliment, you’ve got to pay attention — really notice something about someone. If it’s been a while since you’ve doled out flattering praise, try it. It costs nothing to say, “You look good,” “You did a great job,” or “I like your shirt.” Yet compliments can really reassure and pump up your spouse.

3. HOLD HANDS: Back in our parents’ time, hand-holding and discreet pecks on the cheek were the tasteful, chaste displays of affection. Although anything goes these days, its encouraged that couples simply hold hands in public. It somehow affirms to everyone your undying affection and love for each other, and it shows everyone that you are proud to be with each other and you want everyone to know it. There’s an actual electrical connection that passes between us when we touch. You can use that electrical connection to provide juice in your marriage. Give each other little pats and gentle touches and hold hands frequently when you’re walking or driving, and you’ll keep the energy — and the sweetness — flowing between you.

4. BE A LITTLE OLD-FASHIONED: Once you are in love, ask questions like: Is this person likely to be a good provider? Can they manage money? Are they likely to be a good parent? Because marriage is a financial arrangement in addition to a love one and one in which your economic future is entwined with somebody else’s. And as one husband eloquently said, “Making love is so much better when the bills are paid!”

5. WATCH YOUR PARTNER WHILE THEY PLAY: Watching someone play a game is “extremely diagnostic.” You get a chance to observe how someone behaves under stress, whether they’re honest and how they handle defeat. Small things can tell you very big things about a couple’s suitability.

6. DO A SENSE OF HUMOR CHECK: Observe what makes your partner laugh. If he thinks a whoopee cushion is funny and you don’t, it certainly won’t get funnier for you 30 years from now. It’s a simple test of whether your world views align.

7. CUT BACK ON COMPLAINTS: Yesteryear’s couples had a comic reputation for nagging — yet, in truth, many partners often held their tongues. A stumbling block in modern marriages is a constant soundtrack of discord. Current generations think that closeness comes from sharing everything, letting each other know how miserable you are. But it doesn’t motivate me to treat you better. Relaying every annoyance is a bad idea. Instead, pick your battles. “Not everything needs to be addressed.”

8. TRY THOUGHTFUL LITTLE ACTS: Back in the day, with fewer stresses, limited technology and less multitasking, couples were more “present” in their relationships. The presence of little, daily thoughtful acts showed caring and appreciation for one another. Things like making breakfast for your spouse or packing their lunch, bringing them coffee in the morning or a drink or glass of wine at the end of the day, warming up their car or putting their keys and other personal effects on the hall table, ready to go. Sustaining a happy relationship requires careful thought, a generous spirit and hard work. There’s a lot of wisdom to be gained from our parents or grandparents. They had companionship marriage, but we’ve raised the bar — we want romance, great sex, and more intimacy. We can reconcile these two approaches. With some of the gentleness and graciousness of previous generations with the technology and savvy of today’s marriages.

9. MAINTAIN SAME-SEX FRIENDS — AND INTERESTS: Women, don’t try to regulate your husband’s pleasures and don’t be jealous if they don’t include you. It’s only been during the past couple of decades that couples expected to share a bulk of their free time together. Retro couples didn’t necessarily want to participate in each others hobbies. Couples should keep close ties with their same-sex friends throughout marriage. This will give you both time to cultivate your own interests, and not be totally reliant on each other for their entertainment.

10. STILL DRESS TO IMPRESS: You can inspire romance by dressing up for the occasion. “With our hectic schedules, it’s tempting to resort to sweatpants all weekend or immediately changing into a ratty T-shirt after work. Instead, dress up the next time you and your spouse have dinner or plan a night out. Wearing a beautiful dress or a button-down shirt and slacks will be unexpected and make your partner feel special that you took the extra time to look nice. Taking time with your appearance inspires romance and shows your partner you care. Never let yourself go. Look your best as often as possible — it will make your partner feel loved and proud.

11. PUT PEN TO PAPER: Back before cell phones and instant messaging, people wrote letters of affection to each other, often waiting weeks to receive them. Love letters exchanged between a couple can strengthen their relationship by helping them to connect to one another on a deeper level. These letters may also become treasured keepsakes that can be revisited and experienced anew each time they are read. You’ll reap bonus points if you hand write it on beautiful paper and enclose a cherished memento such as a photograph or ticket stub from a movie you saw together.

12. MAKE MANNERS COOL AGAIN: “Please,” “thank you,” “pardon me” and “may I” are phrases that seemed to have all but disappeared from present-day vocabularies, especially with our loved ones. You should extend your partner the same courtesy you would a stranger. When speaking to your spouse, don’t be rude, be respectful. Use a combination of old-school civility and modern frankness. Additionally, try more sweetness and tenderness by saying things more lovingly. Politeness is like a lubricant for your daily interactions; it makes everything go more smoothly. Husbands, show her that chivalry is not dead: Pull out her chair, open the door for her, help her over a puddle, give her your coat when it is cold outside, help her to put on her coat. This act of affection shows that she is important and there is a level of respect for her.

13. HAVE COUPLES FUN: Cocktail hour and formal anniversary celebrations with like-minded couples were common activities shared by our parents and their friends. It’s fun and a great way to be social with others and playful with one another. It is important to identify friends who are healthy additions to your social circle. Your goal is to become close with other couples with similar standards and interests who have positive attitudes about marriage and family life. Gravitate toward fun couples who make you feel supported and enhance your active, healthy lifestyle. Friends like these are good for your marriage and overall well-being.

August 15, 2016 by Angela L. Davis, BlackDoctor+Org

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine, #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit #IWantYou2LiveWell #FeelFree2SignUpAndFollow

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“The Christmas Guest That Will NEVER Leave!”

Matthew 1:23, “Listen! The virgin shall conceive a child! She shall give birth to a Son, and He shall be called “Emmanuel” (meaning “God Is With Us.”) (TLB)

During the holidays you have to admit there’s quite a bit that can make you cry! Seeing family, exchanging gifts, watching kid’s faces light up, reading heart-felt cards and the like. However, there’s an even bigger Kleenex moment that transpired one Christmas season to top all of that for sure. You see, pretty much like the ‘first Christmas’, there was a newborn baby involved…but no manger this time. Just a Jumbotron screen at an Anaheim Ducks hockey game, of all places!

Here’s what happened: Sergeant First Class Robert Vandenberg had been gone for ten months. He’d never seen his newborn son. He was far away in Afghanistan when little Travis was born. So all eyes were on the big screen when he appeared suddenly to – at least in this small way – be “home” for Christmas. It was Skype from Romania. That’s how his wife, and his one-year-old son, little Travis would make a connection this Christmas season. But with thousands watching this touching reunion by screen, the Technology Grinch suddenly showed up! There was barely time for “hellos” before the sergeant started disappearing in a spasm of static! Sadly, his wife handed the microphone back to a team rep.

But, it was at that very moment, Sergeant Vandenberg walked down the steps of the arena and right into the arms of his wife! Then he picked up his new son and held him up in front of him – looking in his eyes for the very first time!

Now, truth is, I don’t know if they sell Kleenex at the stadium concession stands, but if they do, you can bet your last dollar they sold out that night! I can’t even imagine the many people who were watching this transpire in their own homes on their own televisions! Oh how the tears must have flowed freely, snot and all!

I must say in discovering this story I was greatly touched by their moving reunion because I was reminded of my personal experience with the ‘first Christmas’ for myself.

Christmas – when a God we thought was so very far away came down to where we are, to hold us close. John 6:38 says, “For I have come down from heaven, not to do My own will, but to do the will of Him who sent Me.” (AMP); John 3:13 says, “No one has gone up into heaven, but there is One who came down from heaven, the Son of Man [Himself – whose home is heaven].” (AMP)  

Can you imagine Jesus loving us so much to leave His home in heaven to come to earth to see about us?

In fact, the ancient prophecy of the coming Messiah predicted it. And Matthew 1:23 also declares it, “‘A virgin shall be with child and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel,” which is translated, ‘God with us’“. Not just God projected on the screen of some church monitor or religious act either. But God right here! God up close and personal! God with us, God in us!

But for many of us, and far too often, however, He has seemed far away? Such as in those distressing moments when you receive the diagnosis; when there was an unexpected lay-off, family death, or loss of housing. Those times when you didn’t see the divorce coming, or your finances drastically leaving. Those times when you cry for anything, everything and nothing, and there’s not a sole around to wipe your tears, give you a shoulder to lean on or an encouraging word or hug. Truth is, holiday or not, life can be extremely hard sometimes. And it’s in those moments when it seems like God is on that big Jumbotron screen, and you see Him for a brief moment, than life happens, and there’s a glitch in the connection and just like that, you don’t see Him, you don’t feel Him, you don’t hear Him. Ever felt like that? I know I have.

You see, those are the kinds of stories I’ve been listening to in varying counseling sessions over the last few weeks leading up to this Christmas holiday season. Believe it or not, but not everyone is smiling, happy, filled with joy, buying presents and holding their breath waiting for Christmas morning to arrive. No, there are some who lost loved ones during this time last year, and so this is their first year without them, and to say the experience is hard, is the understatement of the year! I know this for certain just by what my own family is personally experiencing this Christmas with loss. You see, in January 2015 we buried my mom’s older sister, right after the Christmas holidays no less. And then in 2016 on December 14^th, my mom’s baby sister passed away unexpectedly. And to make matters worse, we buried her just 3 days after Christmas. My mom was heartbroken because she couldn’t travel to the funeral services because of her own health challenges. And to add salt to an already painful wound, my cousins whose mom we buried right after Christmas, just loss their dad, my uncle, barely 6 months prior to losing their mom. And still the greatest loss for me in all of this is losing my mom in 2017 on April 1^st, after a very lengthy journey of health struggles. November 24^th of that same year she would have turned 70 years young, and the day before that was her favorite holiday of them all, Thanksgiving, which we had to celebrate for the first time without her presence and her favored culinary abilities! And then we had to prepare to face the challenge of our first Christmas without mom or dad! 

I share this with you because sometimes we’re so immersed in the holidays that we assume everyone is just as joyful. But pain and loss have a way of sucking even the carols out of Christmas…Even if only for a little while…

There are times in life when you can’t put on your ‘I’m alright’ face. You can’t dance, clap, shout, spin, run and speak in tongue over this one. You can’t dress it up in fancy holiday attire, robes or crosses. You don’t have the eloquent prayers to reach heaven with, not for this one. And out of all the Scriptures you know, pain and loss have a way of making you forget even the simplest of Psalm 23. Sometimes you can’t ‘fake it till you make it.’ Sometimes you can’t attend the parties, grin and smile, and wear your red, and celebrate! Even if only for a little while…

Now, that’s just my ordeal, but like I said, it’s been that kind of counseling for the last few weeks for many. Some are having their first Christmas after the divorce; others after their child died; others after the doctor dropped the Cancer bomb on them. Then there are others who medicate themselves with alcohol, drugs or sex. And then there are those who are on prescription meds and still it’s hard. Others are suicidal, depressed, lonely, and hurting.

BUT before you think that’s how this devotional ends, let me correct you…

Thinking back to the dad in the beginning of the story who stepped away from the screen, and stepping on the stage instead, God has a way of doing just that for us as well! In fact, that’s what encouraged me! Listen: Matthew 1:23 reads, “‘A virgin shall be with child and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel,” which is translated, ‘God with us’” Despite what we may have to face here on earth, the one guarantee we have is “God With Us.” Even in the midst of trials, struggles, pain, hurt, disappointment and the like, God is still with us! Hebrews 13:5 says, “for He has said, “I will never [under any circumstances] desert you [nor give you up nor leave you without support, nor will I in any degree leave you helpless], nor will I forsake or let you down or relax My hold on you [assuredly not]!” (AMP) I tell you, there is no greater comfort than God!

Yes, I know it’s painful, and still it can’t deprive you of the promise God has made to you to ‘NEVER LEAVE YOU UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES’!  

Truthfully, we can’t count very many people who could make such a promise and keep it, but Jesus is a Promise Keeper! Even when it feels, seems, sounds and looks as though He is so very far away, be encouraged, God is Still With YOU! In fact, what I love most about this Scripture is the detail He goes into: “I will never leave you, never desert you, you’ll never be without My support, I’ll never leave you helpless, I’ll never relax my hold on you”. Does that sound like He’s far away? Out of touch? Can’t reach us? Not at all!

And that’s what made me smile today! The reminder that no matter how much I hurt, HE will always be with me! And furthermore, our hurt won’t last always! Yes, we’ll cry, we’ll wonder, we’ll question, we’ll hurt…but we’ll get strong again, and recover. 

Listen: One of the greatest gifts, besides salvation, is knowing that Jesus didn’t come just to leave! He loves us so much that He’s going to return for us, and while He’s in heaven, He’s loved us once again so much, that He couldn’t leave us without comfort! John 14:26, “But the Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor – Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will help you remember everything that I have told you.” (AMP)  

We are never without comfort, support, love and strength, Jesus made sure of it!

So, even if you aren’t at your happiest or your strongest this holiday season, know that you are never alone, and God is not far away, but with you and in you! And by all means please know that it is okay for you to be honest about your hurt and where you really are mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. You have nothing to prove to anyone. And addressing your weakness does not take away His strength. Jesus wept, and so can you!  

Which is why I shared some of my personal holiday hurts this year. Because so many get caught up in our titles, initials, degrees, and positions, that they don’t know that we hurt no different than anyone else! Our talent doesn’t exempt us; our anointing doesn’t exempt us; our gifts don’t exempt us! Bishops, Pastors, Elders, Evangelists, Ministers, Deacons, Missionary’s, Ushers, Trustees, Choir Members, Musicians, Greeters, and the like…ALL go through uphill battles of hurt and it doesn’t take away a drop of your anointing because you shed drops of tears! Let no one attempt to make you feel bad because ‘the people don’t need to see you like this’. Oh yes they do! If for no other reason than for them to relate as you become identifiable! Even Jesus didn’t hide the scars in His hands from the hurt He received at the hands of others!

So, family, know for certain that it is okay not to be ‘over-flowing’ with the holiday spirit. But also know that you have no need to wallow in dread. Your Immanuel Has Not Left You Nor Will He Ever! And He Loves You So Much That Even the Father Intervened to Send a Comforter in His Name to Represent Him. Your God is Never far away! And there are no painful glitches in life that can remove His presence from you. Read His Word, Pray, Praise, Worship…and also Cry in your Prayer Closet releasing all of your agony to Him. He understands, and He’s not going anywhere!  

Hebrews 4:15 informs us, “For we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize and understand our weaknesses and temptations, but One who has been tempted [knowing exactly how it feels to be human] in every respect as we are, yet without [committing any] sin.” (AMP)  

We serve a Savior who knows exactly how it feels to be human! That’s why we can tell Him our deepest hurts, weaknesses and fears, He understands, He cares, He’s present there with you and always will be!

Now, there are indeed some holiday guests that I want gone before they get in the house good…lol…but that is never the case with Jesus! I’m grateful He came and even more grateful that He never goes! 

Therefore, brothers and sisters, be encouraged, He’s there. Don’t let the noise of the world crowd out His still small voice. His hand is still there to hold you. His ears are always open to your voice. And His eyes stay razor-sharp focused on you. Your Expected Guest Immanuel is With You, even when Your Uninvited Guest of Life’s Struggles shows up to crash the holiday party!

So, Prepare yourself to enjoy this Christmas Holiday knowing that your Best Present is His Never-Ending Presence! It’s already getting better, so start smiling in advance! For this is ONE Christmas Guest that has come to STAY!

Much Love, Dr. Shermaine #EnjoyTheRead #BeInspired #BeEncouraged #BeEmpowered #BeChallenged #ShareTheWord