“Stop Enabling Them!”

An Enabler is someone who responds to another’s problem by attempting to “take care of” the situation by making things all right. Feeling that the other person’s problem is most likely their fault, an enabler allows the behavior to determine their worth. Only when they're doing for others do they feel “like somebody, I’m appreciated, I have value.” This over-developed sense of responsibility makes it hard to “let go” and allow Others to Take Responsibility For Their Own Behavior and Problems.

The solution to the quicksand of enabling is found in a new understanding of what God says about your relationships with others and about Who God is and who you are. Scripture makes it clear that No One is Responsible for the Actions of Others (Romans 14:12, “And so EACH OF US SHALL GIVE AN ACCOUNT OF HIMSELF [give an answer in reference to judgment] to God” AMP). In other words, many of us have to stop being lifetime babysitters! We cannot supervise every aspect of another Adult's choices and consequences. We can't keep carrying people who know how to walk, but have become comfortable with our toting them through life. They have to give an account of their own personal life, lifestyle and choices to God on their own!

When the rich young ruler came to Jesus, Jesus spoke truth to him, Then Let Him Make His Own Decision (this is often the place where Enablers mess up). However, Jesus did not attempt to follow the young man or manipulate his actions – though He loved him dearly. (Mark 10:17-22, “And as He was setting out on His journey, a man ran up and knelt before Him and asked Him, Teacher, [You are essentially and perfectly morally] good, what must I do to inherit eternal life [that is, to partake of eternal salvation in the Messiah’s kingdom]? And Jesus said to him, Why do you call Me [essentially and perfectly morally] good? There is no one [essentially and perfectly morally] good—except God alone. You know the commandments: Do not kill, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not bear false witness, do not defraud, honor your father and mother. And he replied to Him, Teacher, I have carefully guarded and observed all these and taken care not to violate them from my boyhood. And Jesus, looking upon him, loved him, and He said to him, You lack one thing; go and sell all you have and give [the money] to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come [and] accompany Me [walking the same road that I walk]. At that saying the man’s countenance fell and was gloomy, and he went away grieved and sorrowing, for he was holding great possessions.” AMP). Jesus gave this man answers, options, opportunities, solutions, yet Jesus never chased this man down, jumped on his back, twisted his arms behind him and forced him to make a decision that would have been beneficial to his entire life! That man walked away, knowing full well the better choice and yet choosing the worst. And Jesus let's him walk away. We have to learn from his example. Many people will come to us with problems in life and truthfully we desire to help them, but we cannot allow that help to turn into enabling. We can listen, advice, provide tools and solutions, but the ultimate choice will be theirs alone. And even if we know their choice is bad, it is still theirs to make. We can't keep losing sleep over the choice that adult people make for their lives. They were not backed into a corner, they deliberately made the bad choices they made and now want us to fix it. This is where we stop attempting to play God and let them live with their choices and consequences. You have to learn the healthy balance between lending someone a helping hand and holding their hand forever. Lend them a hand, then learn to let that hand go so they can get a handle on their own life that they alone are responsible and accountable for. Remember the text above, "...And Jesus, looking upon him, loved him..." When you have to let go of people you love, it can be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. But if Jesus could do it, then we are well able. After all, we're not letting them go because we hate them, no, it's because we love them. And if we truly have their best interest at heart, we will want to see them develop, mature and grow. We'll want them to learn from their consequences so that they will make better future choices. We want to see them learn and that can't happen sitting on our lap 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Think about it: As much as we love our children, we send them off to school to learn for hours on end 5 days a week! Now, we just need to learn how to let go of people in our lives (yes, people we love) so they can be released to go and learn. Every adult in your life should not be sitting on your lap receiving life application lessons. Let them go so they can go forth and learn.

No question about it, letting go is hard. However, understanding that God alone is the Great Shepherd and that He does His job well makes it possible for you to release even one greatly loved to the Lord. (John 10:11, “I am the Good Shepherd. The Good Shepherd risks and lays down His [own] life for the sheep” (AMP); Isaiah 40:11, “He will feed His flock like a shepherd: He will gather the lambs in His arms, He will carry them in His bosom and will gently lead those that have their young” AMP) Letting people go doesn't mean you drop them. It means you entrust them to the Lord, the Good Shepherd, who loves them enough to lay down His life on their behalf. Now, isn't that much better than you losing your sleep, hair, sanity and life?!

The enabler, most of all, needs to understand who they are in Christ (Ephesians 1:17-18, “[For I always pray to] the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, that He may grant you a spirit of wisdom and revelation [of insight into mysteries and secrets] in the [deep and intimate] knowledge of Him, By having the eyes of your heart flooded with light, so that you can know and understand the hope to which He has called you, and how rich is His glorious inheritance in the saints (His set-apart ones)” AMP). You are of great value because God loves you– not because of what you do for Him or for others, but for who you are as His beloved sons and daughters. The Lord loved you before you had a chance to accomplish or fail at anything; and as a new creation in Christ Jesus, you are holy and blameless in His eyes (Ephesians 1:4, “Even as [in His love] He chose us [actually picked us out for Himself as His own] in Christ before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy (consecrated and set apart for Him) and blameless in His sight, even above reproach, before Him in love” AMP). Stop trying to find your self-worth and self-value and self-esteem and validation and approval from what you do for others. God has already approved of you, you have nothing to prove to Him. You are a Child of God, you are NOT God! Help people and then let God handle the rest. If you keep trying to be everything for everyone, you'll have nothing left for you!

God’s love and mercy toward you are rich and great (Ephesians 2:4-5, “But God—so rich is He in His mercy! Because of and in order to satisfy the great and wonderful and intense love with which He loved us, Even when we were dead (slain) by [our own] shortcomings and trespasses, He made us alive together in fellowship and in union with Christ; [He gave us the very life of Christ Himself, the same new life with which He quickened Him, for] it is by grace (His favor and mercy which you did not deserve) that you are saved (delivered from judgment and made partakers of Christ’s salvation).” AMP), You are His child because God wills for you to be so, not because you've earned favor on her own merit (Ephesians 1:5, “For He foreordained us (destined us, planned in love for us) to be adopted (revealed) as His own children through Jesus Christ, in accordance with the purpose of His Will [because it pleased Him and was His kind intent]” AMP).

People of God, when you know who and what you are in Christ, it makes it a lot easier to stop enabling others, by trying to find your worth and value in what you do for them! You need not attempt to look for your worth and value, it is already well established all throughout the Scriptures! So, lend a hand when needed, but do not hinder someone to the extent that your helping hand never allows them to get on their own two feet!

Note: Codependency: Is a Quest to Meet Needs!

The term 'Codependency' with its diverse definitions was coined in the context of treating Alcoholism. However, it has evolved to mean a compulsion to rescue or control others by fixing their problems. Generally  Codependency emanates from unmet or blocked God-given needs, such as love, acceptance, and security in primary relationships, as with parent, spouse, or child.

More frequently Codependency occurs in relationships with a Dysfunctional Person, resulting in a denial of the severity of the problem in the relationship, a heightened sense of responsibility, and an environment of controlling or being controlled by others. It nearly always produces a keen sense of guilt or shame, hurt, anger, and loneliness in a complex and desperate quest to avoid abandonment.

 

Ultimately, this need for acceptance can be filled by God Alone. His Unconditional Love prepares the Codependent to move toward complete healing.

Healing from Codependency requires confession to God that something or someone has been put in His place! You must then receive His forgiveness and grace (1 John 1:9-10, “If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to His own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action]. If we say (claim) we have not sinned, we contradict His Word and make Him out to be false and a liar, and His Word is not in us [the divine message of the Gospel is not in our hearts].” AMP).

Then, after confession and forgiveness, establish effective and appropriate boundaries, and acquire new means of communicating and relating.

In addition, Counseling may be appropriate and effective in finding complete healing (Proverbs 11:14, “Where no wise guidance is, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety” AMP).

Counseling in its most simplistic form is: Helping Others Help Themselves!

Human beings were created by God with a variety of needs: physical, emotional, intellectual, psychological, and spiritual. However, these needs God is ready, willing and able Himself to supply (Philippians 4:19, “And my God will liberally supply (fill to the full) your EVERY NEED according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus” AMP).

We find His help in prayer, study of Scripture, and guidance of the Holy Spirit (Greek: “Parakletos” = “Comforter” or literally “Called Alongside”), and from the counsel of godly and wise individuals  - whether family, friends, or professionals.

God may choose to meet a need through an individual or “people helper” within an organization or institution or through particular circumstances. People of God, YOU are not the all-in-all, Jesus Is! So, stop wearing yourself out attempting to do what you’ve never been equipped to do! Do YOUR part only, and then leave the rest up to HIM!

When making important or life-changing decisions, we also do well to seek counsel from wise, mature, and well-equipped Christians! Listen: When life needs are not met in Appropriate and Effective ways, mental anguish always occurs! When this anguish results in serious disruptions of daily activities or damage to relationships, counseling is necessary. To seek biblical counseling is often helpful and should not bring shame or embarrassment. Christian counseling provides the individual with healing, integration, balance, and wholeness through a variety of methods but is always marked by reliance upon the Lord as the Great Physician. Jesus assured His followers of the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, the Helper, the resident Counselor for every believer (John 16:13, “But when He, the Spirit of Truth (the Truth-giving Spirit) comes, He will guide you into all the Truth (the whole, full Truth). For He will not speak His own message [on His own authority]; but He will tell whatever He hears [from the Father; He will give the message that has been given to Him], and He will announce and declare to you the things that are to come [that will happen in the future].” AMP).

Family, as believers we have a wealth of resources at our disposal (prayer, the Word of God, the Holy Spirit, wise counselors etc…) we do not have to attempt to “fix people or their problems” on our own. We are there to help our brothers and sisters, but not to enable them. We each have to give our own account, so don’t hinder theirs or attempt to handle theirs. It’s personal! You can only help but so much! So help to the extent the Lord allows, and don’t attempt to do extra because you’re tempted to validate your self-worth or self-esteem. Remember: When help hinders it hurts, and that is the exact opposite of what we’re trying to accomplish. So never go beyond your means, your boundaries, your safety and sanity, or your gifting. Stay your lane! Go as far as YOU can, then get out at the next exit and let them journey on with Jesus the rest of the way! No one has ever missed their destination with Him on-board!

“When you give another person the power to define you, then you also give them the power to control you” (Leslie Vernick)

“We cannot be caretakers for the feelings of others. We can be compassionate toward others, but each of us must take responsibility for the way we feel.” (Randi G. Fine)

“When you say yes to others make sure you are not saying no to yourself”

"Stop giving away what you need to keep for yourself." (Bishop James R. Chambers)

“Codependency is an addiction to trying to fix someone. It keeps the relationship dysfunctional. It always ends up with the loss of your own self. And it always harms the other person if they don’t have to take responsibility for what they are doing wrong” (Lynne Namka, “The Doormat Syndrome)

 "We cripple people who are capable of walking because we choose to carry them." (Christine Williams)

"We all do things for people we love and that's OK. But if you're doing it consistently and all the time, you're enabling them not to be responsible." (Ron Miles)

"Helping is doing something for someone that he is not capable of doing himself. Enabling is doing for someone things that he could and should be doing himself."

"Understand the difference between helping and enabling. Don't participate in someone else's misbehavior."

"Once the enabling stops, the recovery is given the opportunity to start."

"If you are scratching your head and wondering why you continue to find yourself in the same storm, stop splashing around in mud puddles. Figure out the role you have played in making it rain." (Lacey Johnson)

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit

"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)

"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)