“10 Things You Should Never Do When You’re Angry”

ANGER MANAGEMENT: Getting into a heated argument doesn't just put you in a bad mood. It can also compromise your ability to perform everyday tasks—like driving—in ways that could be dangerous for you or the people around you. Here, top experts discuss what you should never do when under the influence of anger, with tips for regaining your composure. 

YOU SHOULDN’T SLEEP ON IT: The saying "never go to bed angry" is valid advice. Going to sleep may reinforce or "preserve" negative emotions, suggests a study in the Journal of Neuroscience, which found that sleep enhances memories, particularly emotional ones. "We are learning that sleep seems to help us process and consolidate information we acquire while we are awake," says Allen Towfigh, MD, a New York City-based board certified sleep medicine doctor and neurologist. So going to bed after an argument will likely cause that experience to be consolidated more effectively than if you went on to remain awake for that same eight-hour period, says Dr. Towfigh.

YOU SHOULDN’T DRIVE: Operating a motor vehicle when you're enraged can be dangerous. Research shows that angry drivers take more risks and have more accidents. "When you're angry, you're primed for attack, so it's not a good time to jump in a vehicle," says David Narang, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Santa Monica, California. "In addition, anger gives a person tunnel vision—you stare straight ahead and may not see a pedestrian or another car coming into your peripheral vision crossing the street." If you must drive when angry, Narang suggests opening your eyes purposefully and looking around you to avoid tunnel vision.

YOU SHOULDN’T VENT: Getting anger off your chest sounds like a good idea, but it may actually make matters worse. In fact, people who simply spent five minutes reading another person's online rants became angrier and less happy in a study published in the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking. An earlier study also showed that venting anger by hitting pillows not only increased anger at that moment but made aggressive behavior more likely in the future. "They feel validated in what they're saying by venting," says Narang, "but they're not less angry."

YOU SHOULDN’T EAT: Soothing your anger by reaching for food can backfire in a couple of ways, says Kathy Gruver, PhD, author of Conquer Your Stress With Mind/Body Techniques ($10-15; amazon.com). "When we are angry, we often make unhealthy food choices," she says. "No one ever reaches for broccoli. We go for the high-sugar, high-fat, carbohydrate-loaded comfort foods." In addition, a heightened state of emotions sparks the fight or flight response, where the body thinks it's in danger. In such a state, digestion takes a backseat to the "emergency" at hand and does not function optimally, says Gruver. This may result in diarrhea or constipation.

YOU SHOULDN’T KEEP ARGUING: Staying in the conversation when you have difficulty modulating your anger makes it likely you'll say things you'll regret, says Christine M. Allen, PhD, psychologist and coach from Syracuse, NY. "If it's possible you will say hurtful things that you'll regret and can't take back, ask for a 'time out' with intention to come back to the conversation," she suggests. You may need 10 minutes or 10 days. "It's the willingness to come back to the conversation and initiate that is key," Allen says. Use the time out to actively calm the mind and the body so that you express yourself in a more mindful, intentional manner.

YOU SHOULDN’T POST ABOUT YOUR CONFLICT ON FACEBOOK: When you're angry, broadcasting your feelings to your friends and family on Facebook and other social networks will more than likely come back to haunt you, says Narang. "Posting something publicly can't be taken back," he says.

YOU SHOULDN’T WRITE EMAILS: The same applies to sending an angry email—you can't take back a heated rant after you hit the send button. If you can't resist writing down your angry thoughts, jot down your feelings in a Word document, says Allen. "This way you can't send it hastily and can still safely clear out your feelings."

YOU SHOULDN’T DRINK ALCOHOL: Reaching for a glass of wine to calm yourself down after an angry encounter often does the opposite, says Narang. "Alcohol makes it more likely you'll act out your anger because it removes impulse control." Alcohol lowers inhibitions by acting on the frontal lobes of the brain, which are responsible for controlling the impulses that prevent us from giving in to urges to harm others or ourselves. "This may lead to more permanent destruction by doing things you'll regret, all from a temporary emotion," says Narang.

YOU SHOULDN’T IGNORE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE: The risk of a heart attack and stroke increases in the two hours following angry outbursts, especially among former heart attack patients, according to a study from the European Heart Journal. Heart attack risk increased nearly five times and stroke risk rose by three times. "If you're prone to high blood pressure, one of the smartest things to do when angry is to check it," says Bradley Bale, MD author of Beat the Heart Attack Gene: The Revolutionary Plan to Prevent Heart Disease, Stroke, and Diabetes ($13-24; amazon.com). "Individuals who become angry should know how their blood pressure responds. If it's going up, they need to work diligently to manage their anger with exercise, better sleep, and bio-feedback techniques."

YOU SHOULDN’T RUMINATE: Obsessively thinking about ways the other person harmed you or was unfair to you—known as rumination—does not resolve anything, says Allen. If you find yourself on the receiving end of someone else's anger, you may be able to calm them down by first keeping your own cool, says Narang. Start out talking to the angry person in a manner that matches his or her level of emotion and then gradually become calmer and steadier as you speak to them. "This leads them to a calmer place," says Narang.

By: Linda Melone, HEALTH 

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” (Mark Twain)

“For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

“Speak when you are angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” (Dr. Laurence J. Peter)

“Nobody makes you angry, you decide to use anger as your response.” (Author Unknown)

“Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.” (Cherie Carter-Scott)

“Anger is like a flame on a candle. The candle thinks that its flame is blazing powerful light. But it is actually the reason for its own meltdown.” (Author Unknown)

“Anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing. But it can destroy everything.” (Lawrence Douglas Wilder)

“Anger I have for others, burns me first.” (Nadeem Kazi)

“Getting angry is actually punishing yourself with the mistakes of others.” (Author Unknown)

“Explain your anger instead of expressing it, and you will find solutions instead of arguments.” (Dr. Steve Maraboli)

“Anger is a feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.” (Author Unknown)

“Look at children: Of course they may quarrel, but generally speaking they do not harbor ill feelings as much or as long as adults do. Most adults have the advantage of education over children. But what is the use of an education if they show a big smile, while hiding negative feelings deep inside? Children don’t usually act in such a manner. If they feel angry with someone, they express it, and then it is finished. They can still play with that person the following day.” (The Dalai Lama) 

Proverbs 29:11, “A [shortsighted] fool always loses his temper and displays his anger, but a wise man [uses self-control and] holds it back.” (AMP)

Proverbs 16:32, “He who is slow to anger is better and more honorable than the mighty [soldier], and he who rules and controls his own spirit, than he who captures a city.” (AMP)

James 1:19-20, "Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving];for the [resentful, deep-seated] anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God [that standard of behavior which He requires from us]." (AMP)

Colossians 3:8, "But now rid yourselves [completely] of all these things: anger, rage, malice, slander, and obscene (abusive, filthy, vulgar) language from your mouth." (AMP)

Ephesians 4:26-27, "Be angry [at sin—at immorality, at injustice, at ungodly behavior], yet do not sin; do not let your anger [cause you shame, nor allow it to] last until the sun goes down. And do not give the devil an opportunity [to lead you into sin by holding a grudge, or nurturing anger, or harboring resentment, or cultivating bitterness]." (AMP)

Ephesians 4:31, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor [perpetual animosity, resentment, strife, fault-finding] and slander be put away from you, along with every kind of malice [all spitefulness, verbal abuse, malevolence]." (AMP)

1 Corinthians 13:5, "It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured." (AMP)

Proverbs 12:16, "The [arrogant] fool’s anger is quickly known [because he lacks self-control and common sense], But a prudent man ignores an insult." (AMP)

Proverbs 14:26, " He who is slow to anger has great understanding [and profits from his self-control], But he who is quick-tempered exposes and exalts his foolishness [for all to see]." (AMP)

Proverbs 15:1, "A soft and gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath, But harsh and painful and careless words stir up anger." (AMP)

Proverbs 19:11, "Good sense and discretion make a man slow to anger, And it is his honor and glory to overlook a transgression or an offense [without seeking revenge and harboring resentment]." (AMP)

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit

"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)

"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)

“Stop Enabling Them!”

An Enabler is someone who responds to another’s problem by attempting to “take care of” the situation by making things all right. Feeling that the other person’s problem is most likely their fault, an enabler allows the behavior to determine their worth. Only when they're doing for others do they feel “like somebody, I’m appreciated, I have value.” This over-developed sense of responsibility makes it hard to “let go” and allow Others to Take Responsibility For Their Own Behavior and Problems.

The solution to the quicksand of enabling is found in a new understanding of what God says about your relationships with others and about Who God is and who you are. Scripture makes it clear that No One is Responsible for the Actions of Others (Romans 14:12, “And so EACH OF US SHALL GIVE AN ACCOUNT OF HIMSELF [give an answer in reference to judgment] to God” AMP). In other words, many of us have to stop being lifetime babysitters! We cannot supervise every aspect of another Adult's choices and consequences. We can't keep carrying people who know how to walk, but have become comfortable with our toting them through life. They have to give an account of their own personal life, lifestyle and choices to God on their own!

When the rich young ruler came to Jesus, Jesus spoke truth to him, Then Let Him Make His Own Decision (this is often the place where Enablers mess up). However, Jesus did not attempt to follow the young man or manipulate his actions – though He loved him dearly. (Mark 10:17-22, “And as He was setting out on His journey, a man ran up and knelt before Him and asked Him, Teacher, [You are essentially and perfectly morally] good, what must I do to inherit eternal life [that is, to partake of eternal salvation in the Messiah’s kingdom]? And Jesus said to him, Why do you call Me [essentially and perfectly morally] good? There is no one [essentially and perfectly morally] good—except God alone. You know the commandments: Do not kill, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not bear false witness, do not defraud, honor your father and mother. And he replied to Him, Teacher, I have carefully guarded and observed all these and taken care not to violate them from my boyhood. And Jesus, looking upon him, loved him, and He said to him, You lack one thing; go and sell all you have and give [the money] to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come [and] accompany Me [walking the same road that I walk]. At that saying the man’s countenance fell and was gloomy, and he went away grieved and sorrowing, for he was holding great possessions.” AMP). Jesus gave this man answers, options, opportunities, solutions, yet Jesus never chased this man down, jumped on his back, twisted his arms behind him and forced him to make a decision that would have been beneficial to his entire life! That man walked away, knowing full well the better choice and yet choosing the worst. And Jesus let's him walk away. We have to learn from his example. Many people will come to us with problems in life and truthfully we desire to help them, but we cannot allow that help to turn into enabling. We can listen, advice, provide tools and solutions, but the ultimate choice will be theirs alone. And even if we know their choice is bad, it is still theirs to make. We can't keep losing sleep over the choice that adult people make for their lives. They were not backed into a corner, they deliberately made the bad choices they made and now want us to fix it. This is where we stop attempting to play God and let them live with their choices and consequences. You have to learn the healthy balance between lending someone a helping hand and holding their hand forever. Lend them a hand, then learn to let that hand go so they can get a handle on their own life that they alone are responsible and accountable for. Remember the text above, "...And Jesus, looking upon him, loved him..." When you have to let go of people you love, it can be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. But if Jesus could do it, then we are well able. After all, we're not letting them go because we hate them, no, it's because we love them. And if we truly have their best interest at heart, we will want to see them develop, mature and grow. We'll want them to learn from their consequences so that they will make better future choices. We want to see them learn and that can't happen sitting on our lap 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Think about it: As much as we love our children, we send them off to school to learn for hours on end 5 days a week! Now, we just need to learn how to let go of people in our lives (yes, people we love) so they can be released to go and learn. Every adult in your life should not be sitting on your lap receiving life application lessons. Let them go so they can go forth and learn.

No question about it, letting go is hard. However, understanding that God alone is the Great Shepherd and that He does His job well makes it possible for you to release even one greatly loved to the Lord. (John 10:11, “I am the Good Shepherd. The Good Shepherd risks and lays down His [own] life for the sheep” (AMP); Isaiah 40:11, “He will feed His flock like a shepherd: He will gather the lambs in His arms, He will carry them in His bosom and will gently lead those that have their young” AMP) Letting people go doesn't mean you drop them. It means you entrust them to the Lord, the Good Shepherd, who loves them enough to lay down His life on their behalf. Now, isn't that much better than you losing your sleep, hair, sanity and life?!

The enabler, most of all, needs to understand who they are in Christ (Ephesians 1:17-18, “[For I always pray to] the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, that He may grant you a spirit of wisdom and revelation [of insight into mysteries and secrets] in the [deep and intimate] knowledge of Him, By having the eyes of your heart flooded with light, so that you can know and understand the hope to which He has called you, and how rich is His glorious inheritance in the saints (His set-apart ones)” AMP). You are of great value because God loves you– not because of what you do for Him or for others, but for who you are as His beloved sons and daughters. The Lord loved you before you had a chance to accomplish or fail at anything; and as a new creation in Christ Jesus, you are holy and blameless in His eyes (Ephesians 1:4, “Even as [in His love] He chose us [actually picked us out for Himself as His own] in Christ before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy (consecrated and set apart for Him) and blameless in His sight, even above reproach, before Him in love” AMP). Stop trying to find your self-worth and self-value and self-esteem and validation and approval from what you do for others. God has already approved of you, you have nothing to prove to Him. You are a Child of God, you are NOT God! Help people and then let God handle the rest. If you keep trying to be everything for everyone, you'll have nothing left for you!

God’s love and mercy toward you are rich and great (Ephesians 2:4-5, “But God—so rich is He in His mercy! Because of and in order to satisfy the great and wonderful and intense love with which He loved us, Even when we were dead (slain) by [our own] shortcomings and trespasses, He made us alive together in fellowship and in union with Christ; [He gave us the very life of Christ Himself, the same new life with which He quickened Him, for] it is by grace (His favor and mercy which you did not deserve) that you are saved (delivered from judgment and made partakers of Christ’s salvation).” AMP), You are His child because God wills for you to be so, not because you've earned favor on her own merit (Ephesians 1:5, “For He foreordained us (destined us, planned in love for us) to be adopted (revealed) as His own children through Jesus Christ, in accordance with the purpose of His Will [because it pleased Him and was His kind intent]” AMP).

People of God, when you know who and what you are in Christ, it makes it a lot easier to stop enabling others, by trying to find your worth and value in what you do for them! You need not attempt to look for your worth and value, it is already well established all throughout the Scriptures! So, lend a hand when needed, but do not hinder someone to the extent that your helping hand never allows them to get on their own two feet!

Note: Codependency: Is a Quest to Meet Needs!

The term 'Codependency' with its diverse definitions was coined in the context of treating Alcoholism. However, it has evolved to mean a compulsion to rescue or control others by fixing their problems. Generally  Codependency emanates from unmet or blocked God-given needs, such as love, acceptance, and security in primary relationships, as with parent, spouse, or child.

More frequently Codependency occurs in relationships with a Dysfunctional Person, resulting in a denial of the severity of the problem in the relationship, a heightened sense of responsibility, and an environment of controlling or being controlled by others. It nearly always produces a keen sense of guilt or shame, hurt, anger, and loneliness in a complex and desperate quest to avoid abandonment.

 

Ultimately, this need for acceptance can be filled by God Alone. His Unconditional Love prepares the Codependent to move toward complete healing.

Healing from Codependency requires confession to God that something or someone has been put in His place! You must then receive His forgiveness and grace (1 John 1:9-10, “If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to His own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action]. If we say (claim) we have not sinned, we contradict His Word and make Him out to be false and a liar, and His Word is not in us [the divine message of the Gospel is not in our hearts].” AMP).

Then, after confession and forgiveness, establish effective and appropriate boundaries, and acquire new means of communicating and relating.

In addition, Counseling may be appropriate and effective in finding complete healing (Proverbs 11:14, “Where no wise guidance is, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety” AMP).

Counseling in its most simplistic form is: Helping Others Help Themselves!

Human beings were created by God with a variety of needs: physical, emotional, intellectual, psychological, and spiritual. However, these needs God is ready, willing and able Himself to supply (Philippians 4:19, “And my God will liberally supply (fill to the full) your EVERY NEED according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus” AMP).

We find His help in prayer, study of Scripture, and guidance of the Holy Spirit (Greek: “Parakletos” = “Comforter” or literally “Called Alongside”), and from the counsel of godly and wise individuals  - whether family, friends, or professionals.

God may choose to meet a need through an individual or “people helper” within an organization or institution or through particular circumstances. People of God, YOU are not the all-in-all, Jesus Is! So, stop wearing yourself out attempting to do what you’ve never been equipped to do! Do YOUR part only, and then leave the rest up to HIM!

When making important or life-changing decisions, we also do well to seek counsel from wise, mature, and well-equipped Christians! Listen: When life needs are not met in Appropriate and Effective ways, mental anguish always occurs! When this anguish results in serious disruptions of daily activities or damage to relationships, counseling is necessary. To seek biblical counseling is often helpful and should not bring shame or embarrassment. Christian counseling provides the individual with healing, integration, balance, and wholeness through a variety of methods but is always marked by reliance upon the Lord as the Great Physician. Jesus assured His followers of the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, the Helper, the resident Counselor for every believer (John 16:13, “But when He, the Spirit of Truth (the Truth-giving Spirit) comes, He will guide you into all the Truth (the whole, full Truth). For He will not speak His own message [on His own authority]; but He will tell whatever He hears [from the Father; He will give the message that has been given to Him], and He will announce and declare to you the things that are to come [that will happen in the future].” AMP).

Family, as believers we have a wealth of resources at our disposal (prayer, the Word of God, the Holy Spirit, wise counselors etc…) we do not have to attempt to “fix people or their problems” on our own. We are there to help our brothers and sisters, but not to enable them. We each have to give our own account, so don’t hinder theirs or attempt to handle theirs. It’s personal! You can only help but so much! So help to the extent the Lord allows, and don’t attempt to do extra because you’re tempted to validate your self-worth or self-esteem. Remember: When help hinders it hurts, and that is the exact opposite of what we’re trying to accomplish. So never go beyond your means, your boundaries, your safety and sanity, or your gifting. Stay your lane! Go as far as YOU can, then get out at the next exit and let them journey on with Jesus the rest of the way! No one has ever missed their destination with Him on-board!

“When you give another person the power to define you, then you also give them the power to control you” (Leslie Vernick)

“We cannot be caretakers for the feelings of others. We can be compassionate toward others, but each of us must take responsibility for the way we feel.” (Randi G. Fine)

“When you say yes to others make sure you are not saying no to yourself”

"Stop giving away what you need to keep for yourself." (Bishop James R. Chambers)

“Codependency is an addiction to trying to fix someone. It keeps the relationship dysfunctional. It always ends up with the loss of your own self. And it always harms the other person if they don’t have to take responsibility for what they are doing wrong” (Lynne Namka, “The Doormat Syndrome)

 "We cripple people who are capable of walking because we choose to carry them." (Christine Williams)

"We all do things for people we love and that's OK. But if you're doing it consistently and all the time, you're enabling them not to be responsible." (Ron Miles)

"Helping is doing something for someone that he is not capable of doing himself. Enabling is doing for someone things that he could and should be doing himself."

"Understand the difference between helping and enabling. Don't participate in someone else's misbehavior."

"Once the enabling stops, the recovery is given the opportunity to start."

"If you are scratching your head and wondering why you continue to find yourself in the same storm, stop splashing around in mud puddles. Figure out the role you have played in making it rain." (Lacey Johnson)

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit

"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)

"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)