“Men, Bottled Emotions Will Break You!”

Genesis 45:1, “Joseph could no longer control his emotions in front of everyone who was standing around him, so he cried out, “Have everyone leave me!” No one else was there when Joseph told his brothers who he was.” (GWT)

I may be a woman, but if it’s one hairstyle I’ve loved most of my adult life it’s been short haircuts! Getting them at the beauty salon is one thing, however, I must admit, when it comes to my maintenance, I’m usually found at the barber shop! Now, in doing so, I’ve discovered that barber shops are really one of the most interesting places to do a study of the male half of the human race. It's really a "Guy's World." But it’s that which caused me to take special notice of the dad who came into the barber shop with his two young daughters. It was really cute to see how the three of them got along. But truth is, you don't usually see many females (especially that age) at a barber shop. Well, since I was sitting next to them, I said, "Your daughters are really well-behaved. It must be interesting for them to be here since it's kind of a 'guy's world' isn't it?" "Yeah," he replied. "I bring them because at home they talk a lot, but in here, there’s not much talking going on."

Now if you ask most women, that's part of the problem in relationships with men. This guy thing called "not much talking." Or at least not much talking about what's really going on inside. Oh, men will talk about work and sports and cars and "stuff." But most men don't talk much about what they're feeling, what they need, what's hurting, what they're hoping for, or what's wrong.

But brothers, it was never meant to be this way! Just go back to the creation of ‘guys’. Adam was king of his domain there in the Garden of Eden, managing things for His Creator. But even with all of that, according to Genesis 2:18, "The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (NIV). So, God created woman because a man's work and achievements could never be enough to fulfill him; he needed relationship. He needed someone outside of himself to share his life with.

Man was never meant to be an island, keeping everything to himself. Men were never meant to be some Lone Ranger, wearing a mask to cover up their real emotions. God made men to need a shared life. But sadly, a lot of men have somewhere bought the lie that manhood means keeping your deepest feelings to yourself. Some men even got it from a father who seldom let anyone into what was behind his macho mask. And if you had a dad like that, you know how frustrating it was; you never really knew where you stood with him; you wished that he would express his love to you, his approval, his joy, and even his hurts. Because what happens when he doesn’t, is a group of men who grow up and repeat that same cycle and do it to those they love most.

The people who love you and the people you love, desperately need for you to express your tenderness, your hurts, your expectations, and your needs. If you could just risk letting them know that you don't have it all together; that sometimes you're weak, you struggle, you're unsure, it would open up a depth of closeness and healing you never thought you could experience. And if you're a woman in the life of a man who struggles to express his feelings, be very careful when he does! Some men don't say it because of the harsh things that happen when they do!

Men who don't talk much, who don't express what's inside, end up leaving a painful trail of tears around them, frustrated sons, wives who don't know where they stand, daughters who are love-starved, and terribly vulnerable to the sexual mistakes of a girl who's unsure of her father's love.

I can tell you dads, from a daughter’s personal perspective, it’s vital for you to express your feelings to your children (however, I’ll stick to the role I know best), to your daughters. I had the precious privilege of having a father who expressed his feelings. He was no sap by any means, indeed, the ‘man’s man’, but he was never fearful of his softer side. I saw my dad cry, laugh, grieve, feel betrayal, suffer loss, get angry, be happy, feel sad, encourage others, encourage himself. I saw him as provider, protector, and I also saw the pain when he couldn’t always provide and couldn’t always protect. As for me as a girl, I didn’t know what it was like to ever feel ‘unloved’. My dad would give me adorable pet names, compliment my hair or outfit, verbally express to me (and anyone within hearing range), how proud he was of me. My dad would call me pretty, beautiful and special. He took me fishing, driving, hunting, dancing, cooking…and he’d even ask how my day was, and he would also share his day too.

In other words dads, she needs to know that as tough as dad is, there is a soft side to him that he’s not ashamed or fearful of sharing with her. It helped me a great deal in coming into adulthood because I wasn’t so easily swayed by a man’s compliment or criticism. I had a dad that told me daily I was beautiful and special, so anyone saying the same thing, just repeated what I already heard at home first. But then there were also the tougher teen years, where dad expressed himself as well. He would share, ‘I know what boys want because I was once one of them.’ He would share some of his favorite pick-up lines (hilarious as they were), but also familiar to some extent. He shared his past and its failures and experiences (from the opposite sex) so I had better insight into a lot of things that other girls fell for because they didn’t have a dad that was as open and bluntly honest.

Not to mention, I watched my dad hold my mom’s hand; kiss her; hug her; sit on the sofa or in the kitchen together and listen to them talk and laugh. Yes, this is vital men. It teaches us as girls, daughters and women, how we are to be treated and respected. How we are to be adored, treasured and cherished. We get the verbal and the visual, and both are vital to our well-being. I watched my parents look at bills, argue about bills, and figure out how to pay bills. I watched them handle good, bad, ugly, beautiful and everything in between.

And then I also had the opportunity to watch my dad interact with his friends, his brothers, and his coworkers. Dad was always very expressive and honest. He didn’t just do, but he made sure you heard him say as well.

I share this because counseling, especially men, can be difficult. They handle expressing themselves in a very different manner than women. Truth is, most women can talk to any and everybody and express whatever at any given time on any given subject using any given emotion! We tend to be more expressive and yes talkative. But in counseling, I’ve experienced the most hurt men of all, were those who were the quietest. Those who were taught and told that men are to be strong and silent. Hide your pain, cover your disappointment, don’t shed a single tear. But I say, not so! Just take a look at the feelings and emotions of JESUS:

John 11:35, “Jesus WEPT.” (AMP);

Matthew 9:36, “When He saw the crowds, He was moved with COMPASSION and PITY…” (AMP);

Mark 3:5, “After looking around at them with ANGER, GRIEVED at the hardness and arrogance of their hearts...” (AMP);

Mark 10:14, “But when Jesus saw this, He was INDIGNANT…” (AMP);

Mark 10:16, “And He took the children [one by one] in His arms and blessed them [with KIND, ENCOURAGING WORDS]…” (AMP);

John 11:33, “When Jesus saw her sobbing, and the Jews who had come with her also sobbing, He was DEEPLY MOVED IN SPIRIT [TO THE POINT OF ANGER AT THE SORROW CAUSED BY DEATH] and was TROUBLED.” (AMP);

John 13:21, “After Jesus had said these things, He was TROUBLED IN SPIRIT…” (AMP);

Matthew 26:38, “Then He said to them, “My soul is DEEPLY GRIEVED, SO THAT I AM ALMOST DYING OF SORROW…” (AMP);

Luke 10:21, “In that very hour He was OVERJOYED AND REJOICED GREATLY…” (AMP);

John 5:11, “I have told you these things so that My JOY AND DELIGHT may be in you…” (AMP);

Mark 10:21, “Looking at him, Jesus FELT A LOVE (HIGH REGARD, COMPASSION) for him…” (AMP);

Matthew 21:18, “Now early in the morning, as Jesus was coming back to the city, HE WAS HUNGRY.” (AMP);

Mark 7:34, “and looking up to heaven, HE SIGHED DEEPLY…” (AMP);

Mark 8:12, “He GROANED AND SIGHED DEEPLY IN HIS SPIRIT…” (AMP);

Matthew 27:50, “And Jesus CRIED OUT AGAIN WITH A LOUD [AGONIZED] VOICE…” (AMP);

Mark 4:38, “But Jesus was in the stern, ASLEEP [with His head] on the [sailor’s leather] cushion. And they woke Him…” (AMP);

John 4:6, “and Jacob’s well was there. So Jesus, TIRED as He was from His journey, sat down by the well…” (AMP)

Brothers, Jesus: “wept; felt compassion and pity; was angered, grieved and indignant. He used kind and encouraging words; however, He was also deeply moved in His spirit, sorrow and troubled. He was overjoyed and felt great rejoice, joy, delight, and love. But He was also hungry; sighed deeply; groaned in His spirit; and cried out with a loud and agonized voice. He was sleepy and tired.” And He fully expressed all of these either verbally or visually for all to hear and see (both in front of those whom He loved that loved Him back; and even before those who hated Him and yet He loved still.)  

Now, if JESUS can express Himself, and He is the Son of the Living God, why can’t you? If it took nothing away from His manhood, what makes you think it will take anything away from yours?

By the way, JESUS is not alone as a man that expresses emotions, listen:

In Genesis 43:30 (Joseph was DEEPLY TOUCHED AND WEPT);
In Genesis 4:5 (Cain was EXTREMELY ANGRY);
In Exodus 2:14 (Moses was AFRAID);
In 1 Kings 21:1-14 (King Ahab was JEALOUS and ENVIOUS);
In 2 Samuel 11:1-5 (David felt LUST);
In 1 Samuel 28:15-25 (King Saul felt DEPRESSED);
In Matthew 27:3-10 (Judas felt REMORSE);
In 3 John 9 (Diotrephes felt PRIDE and ARROGANCE);
And Paul felt (SUFFERING; JOY; HUMILITY; CONTENTMENT; CALMNESS; AND HEAVINESS) Philippians 1:13; 2-30; 2:2; 3:4-11; Acts 20:24; Romans 9:2

In other words, there are men from cover-to-cover in the Bible who have endured and expressed emotions (good and bad). And you my brother are no different! 

When it’s good emotions, you express them and encourage others. When it’s bad emotions, you express them to those who can help you and thereby encourage yourself!

Truth is, if we dared to discuss the fullness of David’s emotions in the Psalms alone, we would write forever! But did it make him any less of a king? No. Any less of a man? No. Any less of a leader? No. Any less anointed? No. And expressing your emotions makes you no less either!

Brothers, there are people in your life that you need to open up to, today! Tell your sons that you’re proud of them; tell your daughters that they are beautiful; tell your wives that they are priceless; tell your parents that they are appreciated; tell your friends thank you; tell your church their prayers are working; tell your peers, colleagues and coworkers that what they contribute matters. 

And when you need to, also tell (whoever you need to) ‘I’m sorry, I messed up, I made a mistake, or I did or said that because…” 

Whatever it takes, be free in your emotions and stop bottling them, packing them in like dynamite…because sooner or later…they will explode in an unhealthy manner, when they could’ve been expressed in a healthy one!

So, if it hurts, say that. If it’s not healed yet, say that. If you’re frustrated, depressed, discouraged, lonely, say that. If you’re not ready yet, say that. If you’re happy, content and joyful, say that. If you’re insecure or unsure, say that. If you’re fearful, say that. If it has angered you, made you bitter, resentful or vengeful, be honest, and say that. If you’re intimidated, say that. 

But don’t keep silent thinking that no one wants to hear you!

Brothers, it doesn't have to be so lonely. It doesn't have to be so full of hurt that builds up inside like a volcano. The man who risks letting people inside is a man who is finally free. And a man who is, is giving the people he loves one of the greatest gifts he can give them – All of Himself!

We often tell women this, but we don’t often enough tell men: Show your scars, tell your story, share your pain, reveal your testimony, never be afraid to be vulnerable, express yourself, don’t hide, don’t cover-up. Don’t live in shame or guilt. Don’t live in remorse and regret. Don’t compare yourself or feel any need to compete with anyone else. Don’t try to find the most eloquent of words. Don’t mask. Don’t blame. Don’t internalize. There is nothing weak about a man who cries, talks, or expresses his earnest emotions!

Look at our text again:

Genesis 45:1, “Joseph could no longer control his emotions in front of everyone who was standing around him, so he cried out, “Have everyone leave me!” No one else was there when Joseph told his brothers who he was.” (GWT)

Brothers, stop trying to bottle it in and bottle it up, because eventually your bottle will break you!

Stop trying to disguise it. And if you have to get rid of everyone (who doesn’t need to be present), do so, that you can share your honest emotions with those who need to see and hear them. 

Before displaying his emotions, Joseph knew who to kick out and who to keep in. And that’s all you need to know as well. Because, not everyone needs to be privy to your heart, your hurts, your desires, your dreams, your failures, your successes, your expectations, your hopes. So, use wisdom before you speak…But Do Speak! 

For a Healthy Mind, Body, Soul, Spirit, Heart, and Life, Never Fear Expressing Your Emotions! Be Free Before Your Bottle Breaks!

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself.” (Harvey S. Firestone)

“Instead of declaring women ‘too emotional’, why don’t we empower men to feel, to recognize, to express their emotions?” (Author Unknown)

Much Love, Dr.Shermaine #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit

"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)

"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)