I know for a fact that I’m really going to date myself when I
share this, but oh well! You see, when I was a teenager, you could often tell a
girl was going “steady”
with a boy by the jacket she wore. And when my cousin started going “steady” with
a girl, she couldn’t wait to get into his jacket; his football jacket that is -
the one he earned with blood, sweat, tears, and my aunt’s hard earned money. You
could tell this girl was going with my cousin. How? The jacket she wore had his name on it. I have to tell you though,
it was slightly amusing to me to watch her wear it. You see, my cousin was a big lineman! He was over 6 feet tall and over 300
pounds! His girlfriend on the other hand, was lucky to ever break a hundred on the
scale! In other words, she swam in that coat! It completely drowned her! And
she wasn't the only one. We had a lot of girls in our school who were dating
athletes, (including myself) and we
all wore their jackets as a symbol that stated, "Hey, I belong to him. He's mine."
But the truth is,
most of us didn't look that great in those guy’s jackets. You see, I discovered
that wearing what a man gives you for security may not be the best fit for you
after all! Keep that in mind as we journey forward!
We're going to take a look at Genesis chapter 29. But first let me give you a brief
background. Jacob has worked seven years to earn Rachel's hand. However, he
didn't realize until he lifted the veil on his wedding night that he had been
deceived. He had married the sister, Leah, who was not Miss America or Miss
Israel for that matter. So he had to work seven more years to get Rachel, the
one he really wanted. Now he's got two wives. The Bible says, "Rachel he loved.
Leah was unloved by him."
Leah, like many women,
had a very deep love hunger that was slowly starving to death.
Genesis 29:31-32, "When God realized that Leah was
unloved, he opened her womb. But Rachel was barren. Leah became pregnant and
had a son. She named him Reuben (Look-It’s-a-Boy!). “This is a sign,” she said,
“that God has seen my misery; and a sign that now my
husband will love me.” (MSG) Interesting isn't it? She's looking to this man for the
love and the identity she needs and she's coming up empty.
Well, then, she finally has another baby…and another… It says in Genesis 29:33-34, "She became pregnant again and
had another son. “God heard,” she said, “that I was
unloved and so he gave me this son also.” She named this one Simeon (God-Heard). She became pregnant yet again—another son. She said, “Now
maybe my husband will connect with me—I’ve given him three sons!” That’s why she
named him Levi (Connect)” (MSG). Again the man does not give her what she needs.
I’ve always found this story absolutely amazing because it opens
up with Leah knowing that this man
doesn’t love her, and never has. He has always wanted and loved her sister
Rachel. Can you imagine a woman knowing full well that a man does not love her,
from the very beginning, and even
after he sleeps with her, his only response is, how do I get Rachel your sister
instead? And her response to that? I’ll get pregnant and give him sons. You
see, it was a big deal in their culture to have the firstborn be a son. So to
Leah, it was a sign that Jacob would indeed finally love her (even though he’s given her absolutely no
reason to believe he’d changed his mind, or that he ever would). After all,
Rachel (no matter how much you love her),
is barren. I, on the other hand have given you your firstborn son. Surely, “…my
husband will love me…” (MSG). And when that
doesn’t happen, Leah continues on her love-deprived search and quest. She gives
him 2 more sons, Simeon and Levi. Now she believes God has heard of her unloved
misery and that now her husband will connect with her. However, Leah is in for
more discouragement and disappointment.
Leah,
wanted the love of her husband, she wanted God to hear of her misery and
intervene and then she wanted to connect with her husband. Son after son after
son…Leah is let down over and over again. She keeps trying to give a man what she
thinks he wants so she can finally get what she needs. However, Leah remains
unloved and let down.
In
truth, Leah reminds me a lot of the young girls/women that I counsel. I just
recently had a teenager in my office who just turned 17 and she’s currently
pregnant with her third child! (Yes, I said third!) All of them are by the same
boy. The same boy in fact, who has told her repetitively that he does not love
her or want her. Yet, she’s under the impression that if he didn’t love or want
her he wouldn’t keep sleeping with her. One of her last statements to me was: “we
have 3 children together so we’ll always be together.” I
must admit, I sat in total amazement. But that wasn’t what pushed me over the
edge. It was her next statement that did that. She said: “I
just pray this baby is finally a boy, he’s always wanted a son, and I just know
if I can give him his junior, he’ll love me too much to ever leave me again.” Sadly, this
is the mindset of many teenagers, young adult and even adult women. If I just
give him what he wants, he’ll give me what I need. This
my sisters is a grave mistake! Reminds me a lot of my cousin’s
girlfriend wearing his football jacket. The jacket was leather and heavy! Then
to add on its size due to his size made her look ridiculous. She couldn’t even
walk right wearing that thing. Not to mention she had her own book bag,
pocketbook etc…she was weighted down with something she thought gave her
validation, identity and a since of security, entitlement and belonging. No
matter how foolish it made it look!
The word “Validation” is defined as “to check or
prove the validity of; to make or declare legally valid; to confirm; to grant
official sanction; to recognize; to establish; to illustrate the worthiness or
legitimacy of.”
The word “Value” is defined as “the regard
that something is held to deserve; importance or worth; to consider with
respect to worth, excellence, usefulness or importance; considered beneficial;
assigned worth; to regard or esteem highly; to calculate, assess or appraise”
Women, looking for a
man to give you what only God can will always leave you empty, deprived and
longing. No man, no matter who he is, where he comes from, what he has, what he
does, what he looks like, can validate your value! Your worth and worthiness
come from God alone. The sooner women grasp this, the better! I don’t care how
fine you look, how shapely your figure, how wonderful you may be in the kitchen
and in the bedroom, no man can validate your value. You are the sole property
of God alone. Therefore, it is He alone that proves your worthiness, importance,
significance, and usefulness. No man has the right to do this. You can wear all
the name-brands in the world, wear the most stylish of hairstyles, have
flawless skin (or flawless makeup), and still your worth cannot be validated by
a man. So, stop attempting to prove your worth to a man. Stop giving him what
you need to keep for yourself. Stop lowering your standards, self-respect and
self-esteem. Stop compromising your convictions. Stop waiting by the phone for
it to ring. Stop sitting on the sofa staring at the door hoping he comes
knocking. Stop jumping and running every time he opens his mouth. Stop crying,
begging, pleading, and degrading yourself in hopes that he will love you, want
you, need you, or value you. Stop getting in that bed over and over again, only
to leave with sex, not love. Stop depleting your bank account in hopes of
making him happy. Stop buying him stuff. Stop trying to prove your worth so he
deems you worthy. No man can validate your value! Giving him what he wants
sexually, giving him children, giving him stuff, will never prove your worth!
Leah had son after son
after son, and each time it had nothing to do with her, she did it all for a
man. Grant it, it was her husband, but a husband she knew never loved her. She
kept trying to prove she was worthy of his love, and yet he continued to
overlook her because his sight was on Rachel alone. She didn’t have children
because she wanted to be a mother, she had them because she wanted the love of
a man. And before you judge her too harshly, might I ask you to self-exam and
see what have you done down through years for the love and attention of a man?
What bed did you enter for a man? How much money did you waste for a man? How
much of your self-respect went out the window for a man? How much of your
future have you lost focus on for a man? How many of your gifts, talents and
abilities are still lying dormant, because you’re still laying like a doormat
for a man?
If women could only see
their worth and value, the fashion, hair and makeup industry would literally
dry up. We wouldn’t have so many Barbie dolls trying to look “ideal” for a man
that’s not “ideal” himself. No matter how sexy you look or how sexual you are,
your value and worth have nothing to do with either. I’ve never seen an age
with so many “sex symbols” at such young and tender ages. Cleavage is hanging
out of everywhere. Panty-lines are visible. Skirts are the width of belts.
Clothes are being worn 3 times too small. Boots are coming up to the thighs.
Lace use to be considered an undergarment, and now it’s the only garment. Now,
I know the world believes that sex sells, but as women of God that has
absolutely nothing to do with us! We are indeed more than lips, hips and
fingertips. We are more than eye-candy, a trophy wife or notch on a man’s belt.
As women, our Significance isn’t founded on Sex!
1 Corinthians 6:16-20:
“There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin.
Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture,
“The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master,
we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving
us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” There is
a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we
violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for
God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you
realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t
you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such
a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property
belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people
see God in and through your body.” (MSG)
Daughters, you are of
high value and worth. Neither sex, or looking sexy is validation of value. You
don’t “look” valuable, you simply are!
1 Peter 3:1-4, “The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands,
responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to
any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What
matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you
wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.” (MSG)
1 Timothy 2:8-10, “Since prayer is at the bottom of all this, what I want mostly is for
men to pray—not shaking angry fists at enemies but raising holy hands to God.
And I want women to get in there with the men in humility before God, not
primping before a mirror or chasing the latest fashions but doing something
beautiful for God and becoming beautiful doing it.” (MSG)
Titus 2:1-6, “Your job is to speak out on the things that make for solid doctrine...Guide
older women into lives of reverence so they end up as neither gossips nor
drunks, but models of goodness. By looking at them, the younger women will know
how to love their husbands and children, be virtuous and pure, keep a good
house, be good wives. We don’t want anyone looking down on God’s Message
because of their behavior...” (MSG)
Women, are you getting
this? It’s not about your hair, clothes, style, looks, or sexiness. It’s about
the beautiful woman you are on the inside that knows her value and worth are
established by God, and none other. It’s about maintaining your character,
integrity, dignity, elegance, and class. It’s about letting a man know your
worth, not proving your worthiness to a man.
Which reminds of the following poem: “Women
are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The men
don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and
getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that
aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong
with them, when in reality, THEY'RE amazing. They just have to wait for the
right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the
top of the tree.”
Sisters, stay at the top of
the tree! Make him climb, exert effort, pursue you (not the other way around!) Take
the signs off your back that read: “for
sale; bargain; discount; great deal; thrift; inexpensive; used; hand me down;
negotiable; disposable; clearance” Daughter, you
are worthy, valuable and priceless! Walk like it, talk like it, think like it, dress
like it, act like it, live like it!
Back to Leah…yes, she indeed
wanted the love of Jacob. She had 3 sons to prove that’s what her heart’s
desire was. She wanted to be loved, she wanted to be heard, she wanted to be
connected to. But all of those things were to a mere man. However, that is not
the ending of Leah’s story. In verse 35, "She became pregnant a final time and
had a fourth son. She said, “This time I’ll praise God.” So she named him Judah
(Praise-God). Then she stopped having children'" (MSG).
Leah had hoped to
find her identity in Jacob's love. She didn't get it. But finally, after three
times of counting on a baby to secure her man's attention, she refocuses her
love hunger from Jacob to Jehovah; from her husband to her Heavenly Father. There's many of women who have been disappointed by a man; hurt by
a man. There's frustration, there's bitterness. There’s a distorted view of
real love. There’s been hurt by the lack of love or approval that you could
never seem to win, or maybe a boyfriend or a husband has let you down like
Jacob did Leah. You feel betrayed, abandoned, unloved, unnoticed and unworthy. Leah, like so many
women, was looking in the wrong place for identity. No woman was ever meant to
derive her identity and worth from the approval of a man. And so, Leah said, "I'm going to turn to the Lord."
Maybe it’s time
you do the same.
The jacket that
reflected some of my cousin’s identity didn't fit the woman in his life. She
was never meant to find her identity in being his girl. Every woman is headed
for disappointment and chronic insecurity if she's trying to define herself by
some man in her world. It's a liberating day when you discover that no man could
do for your worth what the Lord can do. He loved Leah; even when her man
didn't. He gave her His divine blessing when her man wouldn't give his. Don't waste time trying to find your identity in the fickle, fragile
love or approval of a man. Look beyond them to the Lord. Start drawing on Him
for all you need. Remember, the Scripture does not
say, “A man
is my Shepherd. I shall not want.”…NO! It states, "The Lord is my
Shepherd. I shall not want." Remember That!
Your identity is that
you are a unique, masterpiece creation of a loving God: Ephesians 2:10, “For
we are His workmanship [His own master work, a work of art], created in Christ
Jesus [reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, ready to be used]
for good works, which God prepared [for us] beforehand [taking paths which He
set], so that we would walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged
and made ready for us].” (AMP). You are the
Masterpiece of the Master, not of a mere man! You were created to be Used By
God…Not Used By a Man! You are a Daughter of the King! He thought you were
worth dying for! And loved you too much to even stay dead! Then loved you even
greater, because He refuses to leave you here…He’s coming back just for YOU! What
man can possibly love you like that?
Women, be sure that you
bring your love hunger to the only One who will never disappoint you - your Savior, your Shepherd, Jesus Christ.
Now, in closing, I would love to end this on a good note, however, let’s read a little further into the Life of Leah: Genesis 30:16-21, “When Jacob came home that evening from the
fields, Leah was there to meet him: “Sleep with me tonight; I’ve bartered my
son’s mandrakes for a night with you.” So he slept with her that night. God
listened to Leah; she became pregnant and gave Jacob a fifth son. She said,
“God rewarded me for giving my maid to my husband.” She named him Issachar
(Bartered). Leah became pregnant yet again and gave Jacob a sixth son, saying,
“God has given me a great gift. This time my husband will honor me with
gifts—I’ve given him six sons!” She named him Zebulun (Honor). Last of all she
had a daughter and named her Dinah.” (MSG)
Leah
unfortunately continues her journey of unrequited love. She’s still looking for validation of
value from Jacob. Two more sons and a daughter, and still she’s in the same
place of saying, “…This time my husband will honor me with gifts—I’ve
given him six sons!”
Women, please do not
make Leah’s mistake of spending an entire lifetime seeking for a man to give
you what he has no right to give you. Your value is never validated by a man,
only by your Master.
As
a last “Selah”…remember this, Leah had 6 sons, and then lastly a daughter. Daughters were supposed to stick close to their mothers and learn from them. They were taught by their mothers how to be wives. They were to emulate their mothers teaching, behavior and conduct. Makes you wonder, what could Leah possibly teach Dinah about a healthy relationship with a man or a husband? Our
children often imitate us to, especially our daughters. And the last thing this world needs, is more young
girls watching older women chase after desperate and deprived love, approval, acceptance and validation from a man. Ladies, remember, they’re
watching us. So, let’s make sure we set good examples for them to model.
“The
only permission, the only validation, and the only opinion that matters in our
quest for greatness is our own.” (Dr. Steve Maraboli)
“Self-esteem comes from within. No amount
of validation or approval ‘out there’ will ever give it to you.” (Pinterest)
“The woman who does not require validation
from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet.” (Mohadesa Najumi)
“A vibrant and independent woman is much
more beautiful than a woman who waits for people to validate her existence.”
(Kelly McNelis Senegor)
“It takes a strong person to do their own
thing and not wait for anybody else to validate their existence.” (Steven
Aitchison)
“Live life in such a way that someone else’s
validation means absolutely nothing to you.” (Pinterest)
“An amazing thing happens when you stop
seeking approval and validation: You find it. People are naturally drawn like
magnets to those who know who they are and cannot be shaken!” (Mandy Hale)
“The more you begin to love yourself, the
less you’ll look to others to validate, approve of, or complete you.” (Mandy
Hale)
“The dream is yours…why are you asking
others to validate or nourish it? Your journey must be self-propelled. It must
be fueled from within.” (Dr. Steve Maraboli)
“If you persistently seek validation from
others you will inadvertently invalidate your own self-worth.” (Dodinsky)
“Stop allowing other people to dilute or
poison your day with their words or opinions. Stand strong in the truth of your
beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of
others.” (Dr. Steve Maraboli)
“Your self-worth is determined by YOU. You
don’t have to depend on someone telling you who you are.” (Beyonce)
“There’s a difference between caring about
what others think and worrying about it. When you care about what other people
think, you respect and value their opinion. When you worry about it, you depend
on their validation for your worth. So keep caring. Keep treating people like
they matter. Just know that you matter too, whether they confirm it or not.”
(Lori Deschene)
“Stop validating your victim mentality.
Shake off your self-defeating drama and embrace your innate ability to recover
and achieve.” (Dr. Steve Maraboli)
“Women have to learn where their true
source of validation is.” (Maureen Murdock)
“If you live for people’s acceptance, you
will die from their rejection.” (Lecrae)
“When you depend on people to build you up,
they’ll have the same power to break you down. You don’t need their validation
to know your worth.” (Pinterest)
“I’m secure in who I am. I don’t need the
validation of those that would say, you have to be a certain way in order to be
accepted. I’m comfortable going against the grain. I’m walking my path and I
will always walk the direction my heart tells me to go, even if I must walk
alone…all fired up!” (Collective Evolution)
“No effective guidance will ever be
achieved by seeking approval of others.” (Pinterest)
“It doesn’t matter what other people think.
If you make the choice to create positive changes for yourself, that is all
that matters. You don’t need anyone’s approval, validation or support…and a lot
of the time, you really should avoid it.” (Stephanie Zamora)
“Happiness is discovering that the most
worthwhile and powerful validation is the one you give to yourself.” (Dodinsky)
“When I accept myself, I am freed from the
burden of needing you to accept me.” (Dr. Steve Maraboli)
“In a relationship, one must not seek
validation from the other, it should come naturally. If it’s not there, the
worst thing you can do is beg for it.” (Dodinsky)
“Never get your sense of worth from outside
yourself. Don’t let other people tell you how much you’re worth, decide for
yourself. It’s called SELF-Worth not other’s worth.” (Pinterest)
“True confidence is knowing who you are in
Christ, and that your validation, approval and acceptance comes from Him.” (Kim
Brooks)
“I want to be in a relationship where you
telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already
show me.” (Dr. Steve Maraboli)
“The more I fill myself with God’s Truth,
the less I need validation from others.” (Lysa Terkeurst)
“You don’t need anyone’s affection or
approval in order to be good enough. When someone rejects or abandons or judges
you, it isn’t actually about you. It’s about them and their own insecurities,
limitations, and needs, and you don’t have to internalize that. Your worth isn’t
contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you – it’s something inherent. You
exist, and therefore, you matter. You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings.
You’re allowed to assert your needs and take up space. You’re allowed to hold
onto the truth that who you are is exactly enough. And you’re allowed to remove
anyone from your life who makes you feel otherwise.” (Daniell Koepke)
“Your value doesn’t decrease based on
someone’s inability to see your worth.” (Pinterest)
“Stress, anxiety, and depression are caused
when we are living to please others.” (Paulo Coelho)
“Once you know your worth, you’ll never
feel compelled to give another discount again.” (Pinterest)
“Never allow someone to be your priority
while allowing yourself to be their option.” (Mark Twain)
Much Love, Dr.Shermaine #InformativeRead #PleaseShare #HealthyBodySoulAndSpirit
"It's Not Selfish to Love Yourself, Take Care of Yourself and to Make Your Happiness a Priority. It's a Necessity." (Mandy Hale)
"Self-Care is Not Selfish. You Cannot Serve From an Empty Vessel." (Eleanor Brown)
