"Are You Guilty of Verbal Abuse?"

Ephesians 4:31, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor [perpetual animosity, resentment, strife, fault-finding] and slander be put away from you, along with every kind of malice [all spitefulness, verbal abuse, malevolence].” (AMP)
  I love children! But if you ask my children, they will probably tell you that’s because I’ve yet to grow up myself! My eldest daughter often reminds me that I love children and they love me, 'because we’re all the same age…mentally! They relate to you because you relate to them, ma'! Which may hold a tad bit of truth actually! You see, I love board games, jumping rope, running through the house, playing on the swings, watching cartoons, blowing bubbles in my milk, dancing to any kind of music (even the music in my head that no one else hears but me), playing with puppies, wearing ponytails, coloring in coloring books (outside the lines of course), and I think I have more teddy-bear’s than ‘Build-a-Bear’! In a nutshell, yep, I believe I love children because I’m still one of them! But it’s also my love of children that has always made me over-protective of them. As a child, I had some unfortunate moments happen to me that should never happen to any child, and so where kids are concerned, I’m a little overly-sensitive. 
In relation to that, another reason I’m this way is because of a little girl, I didn’t even know. A friend of mine who’s a police officer told me of his worst case on the job. He said it was the day we were called to a home, and the first person to greet us was a 5 year old little girl. We walked up to her sitting on the front porch and introduced ourselves. But when we asked her, her name, her response is what blew us away. She responded, "my name is Stupid." She's only 5 years old, but when they were sent to respond to a report of child abuse, that's what she told them “my name is Stupid”. The marks of abuse were all over her little body. There were bruises everywhere, she had a black eye, she had scars on her back, she had cigarette burns up and down her little arms. And as grave as all of that sounds, those will heal in time. But what about the names she's been called? Would she ever heal from the wounds of words? Can you imagine being called ‘Stupid’ so often in just a span of 5 short years, that you actually think "Stupid" is your name?
But wait…before you pass judgment…think about this! What about the names we've called people? Yes, us, believers, the church, disciples of Christ, children of the Most High God. What about the names we've called people? Even people - maybe especially people - that we say we love. How many people we know carry invisible, but indelible scars from being wounded by our own devastating words? And more often than not, it's not that we necessarily meant to hurt them. Sometimes, we’re honestly just angry, or frustrated, or stressed, or feeling unheard, unloved, unappreciated, taken for granted, used, or ignored. And as our emotions escalate, so often do our words. And words are like bullets. Once they're fired, you can't get them back. You can’t stop the bullet. You can’t stop its impact. You can’t stop its damage. You can’t dismiss the discharge.
And we all know that's true. Many of us still feel the sting of the names we were called a long time ago? Even though the one who fired them at us has probably totally forgotten it. In fact, some of us still replay those words and it’s like an automatic weapon is firing off rapid bullets into our soul, self-esteem and self-worth: ‘Stupid; Idiot; Dummy; Ugly; Fat; Useless, Nappy-Head; Pimple-Face; Loser; Fatso; Bean-Pole; Giraffe; Shrimp…’. All these years later, those bullets still pierce our heart as though it were yesterday. And truth be told, some of those bullets were fired off, just yesterday. Some of them Towards Us, and some of them From Us.
And sad as it is to say, it's often our children who are most damaged by our hurtful words, because children tend to become what we call them. Label them as "lazy" or "stupid" or "worthless" long enough, and it will stick. But then, so will words like, "princess", “gentleman” or "smart" or "helper" or "wonderful." Think about it: If your child/children turned out to be what you’ve called them all these years, would you be Elated or Embarrassed?
  And to add insult to injury, our kids also store what they hear their parents call each other in those heated moments; giving them tacit permission to speak disrespectfully in their own relationships, too. Your precious little girl and priceless little boy won’t always be little, but if you don’t teach them better by example, they will always be immature. You don’t want your speech in heated moments to be the blueprint your children use in building up or tearing down their own relationships and marriages. Just think, what your son hears you call your wife will teach him what to call his one day. What your daughter hears you call your husband will teach her what to call hers one day. So, have they been hearing the right names called? Has your speech been setting the proper example to be imitated?
  But families are not the only place our words leave wounds. Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death…", at school, at work, at the game, in church, in the mall, at the laundromat, in the supermarket, at the barbershop, at the nail and hair salons, at the bank, stuck in traffic, in all our close relationships. Everywhere you go, you are armed and dangerous with the power of your tongue! So, is your weapon saving lives or taking them? If people bled physically every time we wounded them verbally, I wonder what a trail we'd leave behind. How many people are walking around bleeding internally because of what we said verbally? Is someone now thinking they’re worthless; damaged goods; not good enough; not thin enough; not pretty enough. Is someone now feeling less than; insignificant; inadequate, because of the wounds of our words? Is someone second-guessing themselves; intimidated; insecure, because our words have wounded and handicapped their confidence? 
And just in case you don’t think our words are that powerful, listen to the translations of Proverbs 12:18: “Sharp words cut like a sword, but words of wisdom heal.” (CEV);
“Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword, but wisely spoken words can heal.” (GNT);
“Speak without thinking, and your words can cut like a knife. Be wise, and your words can heal.” (ERV);
“Careless words stab like a sword, but the words of wise people bring healing.” (GWT);
“Some people like to make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise soothe and heal.” (TLB);
“Rash language cuts and maims, but there is healing in the words of the wise.” (MSG);
“The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (NIV);
“There is one whose foolish words cut like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (NLV)
The one thing we cannot deny is the fact that whether our words hurt or heal is our deliberate choice. We can blame no one for the words we choose to use to wound others. And we cannot use the excuse that they brought it out of us; they deserved it; they’ll get over it; or but what about what they said to me. No, we are responsible and accountable for our own actions, words, attitude and behavior. We don’t get to point fingers or play the blame game. When our words, “cut; stab and maim”, it was no accident. Their wounds from our words are our fault. Which is why we have to be ever so careful of our speech.  The Scripture clearly contrasts the speech of the Wise and the Fool. The wise give words that “soothe and bring healing”; the fool speaks words that “cut like a sword.” So have your words been wise or foolish? Have your words been hurting or healing? God puts it this way, "And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself" (James 3:6 NLT). The Message Bible says it like this: “It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.” (MSG) Now, do you really think we can afford to take our speech so lightly? Our tongue is set on fire from the pit of hell and possesses the power to destroy our entire life and the entire world! Getting a better grip on our lip is vital not optional!  
Which is why we need to learn how to use our ears more than our mouths: “Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving]” (James 1:19 AMP) The Message Bible says it like this: “Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear…” (MSG). And if you think about it, if we would listen more and talk less, anger would always straggle behind. The word “straggle” is defined as “to trail slowly behind.” If we would be quick to listen and slow to speak, our anger would control its own gauge.
Which reminds me of yet another Scripture we need to keep on our lips BEFORE we speak: 
Ephesians 4:26-32, “Be angry [at sin—at immorality, at injustice, at ungodly behavior], yet do not sin; do not let your anger [cause you shame, nor allow it to] last until the sun goes down.  And do not give the devil an opportunity [to lead you into sin by holding a grudge, or nurturing anger, or harboring resentment, or cultivating bitterness]…Do not let unwholesome [foul, profane, worthless, vulgar] words EVER come out of your mouth, but ONLY  such speech as is good for building up others, according to the need and the occasion, so that it will be a blessing to those who hear [you speak].  And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God [but seek to please Him], by whom you were sealed and marked [branded as God’s own] for the day of redemption [the final deliverance from the consequences of sin].  Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor [perpetual animosity, resentment, strife, fault-finding] and slander be put away from you, along with every kind of malice [all spitefulness, verbal abuse, malevolence].  Be kind and helpful to one another, tender-hearted [compassionate, understanding], forgiving one another [readily and freely], just as God in Christ also forgave you.” (AMP) Even when you’re angry for justifiable reasons, your anger and words are still your responsibility. There is no excuse you can use for wounding others with your words, not even when angry. Especially when we, believers, possess the fruit of the Spirit: Galatians 5:22-23, "But the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness, Gentleness (meekness, humility), SELF-CONTROL (SELF-RESTRAINT, CONTINENCE). Against such things there is no law [that can bring a charge]." (AMPC) So just in case reading this brings some conviction, call those people who come to mind, immediately, and apologize and repent. Remember, they were not the cause of your carelessness, You are responsible for You, no matter what anyone else says or does.
Furthermore, we need to be clear about verbal abuse. It’s not just calling people names or cursing people out. But we are commanded not to use any “unwholesome” speech. “Unwholesome” is defined as “unhealthy; corrupt; offensive; not mentally or morally good and normal.” Our words should be used with wisdom so we don’t wound, but instead we help make healthy and whole. 
We are Commanded not to use any “profane” speech. “Profane” is defined as, “to treat (something sacred) with abuse, irreverence, or contempt; to cheapen and demean.” And our “Brothers and Sisters IN CHRIST” (says the Bible) are among what is, sacred…holy…valued at the price of the Blood of Jesus Christ. When you speak to them words that wound, you are wounding Him all over again! You cheapen and demean what He gave His blood and life for! Do you really want to be charged as guilty for that crime?  
We are Commanded to put “clamor” away from us. “Clamor” is defined as “noisy shouting.” So before you attempt to argue about your argument, know that you are to be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger and no noisy shouting allowed! We are to talk TO one another, not AT one another!  
And those are just a few of the Commands we’re given regarding our speech! 
But, while we’re at it, we may as well address a big one in the church regarding our speech and that’s Gossip! What does the Bible say? 
Exodus 23:1-3, “Don’t pass on malicious gossip. “Don’t link up with a wicked person and give corrupt testimony. Don’t go along with the crowd in doing evil and don’t fudge your testimony in a case just to please the crowd...” (MSG);
Leviticus 19:16, “Don’t spread gossip and rumors…” (MSG); Psalm 41:4-7, “…All the while gathering gossip about me to entertain the street-corner crowd. These ‘friends’ who hate me whisper slanders all over town. They form committees to plan misery for me.” (MSG); Proverbs 4:23-27, “Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts. Don’t talk out of both sides of your mouth; avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip. Keep your eyes straight ahead; ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you. Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.” (MSG);
Proverbs 16:28, “Troublemakers start fights; gossips break up friendships.” (MSG); Proverbs 17:4, “Evil people relish malicious conversation; the ears of liars itch for dirty gossip.” (MSG); And that’s just a few Scriptures! But these give us further motivation to be careful of our speech! As Believers, whose Conduct should reflect the Image and Likeness of the Godhead and Christ-Like Character, we need to avoid lies, rumors, gossip, slander, back-biting, cursing, yelling, arguing and the like. 
How can we possibly win the world when we can’t even get along on the same team with our brothers and sisters in Christ?! That’s a tremendous loss for all involved! Remember, our Lifestyle and our Language go hand-in-hand! Ephesians 5:3-4, “…Though some tongues just love the taste of gossip, those who follow Jesus have better uses for language than that. Don’t talk dirty or silly. That kind of talk doesn’t fit our style. Thanksgiving is our dialect.” (MSG)
King David was wise enough to know that we can't conquer this verbal monster in us without some supernatural intervention. And thus, his prayer that should probably be somewhere we can all see and repeat daily says this:  
Psalm 141, verse 3, "Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips." (NIV) Let’s look at this further:
“Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips [to keep me from speaking thoughtlessly].” (AMP);
“Help me to guard my words whenever I say something.” (CEV);
“Lord, help me control what I say. Don’t let me say anything bad.” (ERV);
“Help me, Lord, to keep my mouth shut and my lips sealed.” (TLB);
“Lord, help me control my tongue; help me to be careful about what I say.” (NCV);
“Take control of what I say, O Lord, and guard my lips.” (NLT);
“Lord, place a guard at my mouth, a sentry at the door of my lips.” (GNT) – That word “sentry” is defined as “a soldier stationed to keep guard or to control access to a place.” This is how serious David was about the guarding of his speech! And a reminder of how serious we should become likewise. We need to be mindful of the power of our words and their ability to wound. Because long after we've forgotten our "reckless words," the person we wounded may be carrying a long and lasting scar from them.
Think about it like this: when a drunk driver hits someone, they may be sorry, apologetic, and wish they could undue it all. And they may even be forgiven by the person they’ve wounded. But what happens when the person they hit can never walk again? The driver is sorry, the victim is forgiving, but the life-long damage can’t be undone! And our words are just like that. We may be sorry for what we said, and the person may forgive us for what we said, but does that mean the words disappear…sadly no. Which is why we have to be careful of what we say, BEFORE we say it.  
Truth is, there are many psychologists, psychiatrists and even pastors that would have no one to counsel if only we would simply stop speaking careless words. Many people today are sitting in someone’s office reliving at age 60 what was said to them and about them at age 6! And if we had to foot the bill for some people’s counseling sessions for what we’ve said to them and about them, I wonder how much debt we’d owe?  
The good news? We can still name call! God does! And all we have to do is name call, Just Like Him! God calls people names like, "Workmanship" (Ephesians 2:10). He even talks about the way people look, and He’s no respecter of persons because He talks about men and women alike, "Created in Our Image and Likeness…He Created Him; Male and Female He Created Them" (Genesis 1:27). God even assigns worth to people, "My Treasured and Special People and Possession" (Exodus 19:5). He even talks about people’s bodies (a lot like we do), but His words aren’t ‘cutting’, they’re ‘complimentary’, "The Temple of the Living God" (2 Corinthians 6:16). And then He even goes so far as to call people, "My Sons and Daughters" (2 Corinthians 6:18). See, we can talk about people too, we just have to do it like God did! 
So today, make it your personal mission to speak well of yourself and others. Because truth is, some of us have spoken words to ourselves that have wounded us for many years. Let today be the day your speech changes for the better. When speaking to yourself or to others follow the guidelines of Colossians 4:6, “When you talk, you should always be kind and wise…” (ERV)   Other translations say it like this:
“Everything you say should be kind and well thought out…” (GWT);
“…The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation…” (MSG);
“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt…” (NIV);
“Speak with them in such a way they will want to listen to you. Do not let your talk sound foolish…” (NLV);
“Let your conversation be gracious and attractive…” (NLT)
People of God, don’t wound (yourself or others) with your words! Instead, allow your words (to yourself and others) to be kind; wise; well thought out; bringing out the best in any conversation; full of grace and seasoned with salt. Allow your words to be so sweet and sound that people want to hear you speak; and allow your words to also be more gracious than your gait and more attractive than you’re appearance. 
And if you should ever be accused of verbal abuse, make sure that the evidence of your lifestyle and language, are so concrete, that you’d be found innocent of all charges!

“Verbal and emotional abuse are just as damaging as physical abuse.” (Author Unknown);

“It’s easier to build up a child than to repair an adult. Your words and actions have power in your child’s life, use them wisely.” (Author Unknown);

“Psychological abuse is far worse than physical abuse, after all, cuts and bruises can heal, your mind however holds words for an eternity and they hurt more than any punch or slap, choose your words wisely before you speak, they cannot be taken back once spoken.” (Author Unknown);

“If words are not weapons, then why do they hurt so much.” (Author Unknown);

“Be careful what you say. You can say something hurtful in ten seconds, but ten years later, the wounds are still there.” (Joel Osteen);

“Just because a person doesn’t put hands on you, that doesn’t mean they aren’t abusive. Abuse is control, blatant disrespect, and also hurtful words. Don’t settle for emotional abuse thinking it’s okay because it’s not physical.” (Tony Gaskins, Jr.) 

 

  Much Love, Dr. Shermaine #EnjoyTheRead #BeInspired #BeEncouraged #BeEmpowered #BeChallenged #ShareTheWord
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